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It may all come down to a game of catch.
How do you define love? Take a moment and let a few words come into your mind. Shakespeare had a lot to say about it. Religious texts have a lot to say. Poems do, plays and movies do. There are books on the subject. We know it when we feel it. Or do we?
It depends on how old we are, what we need and what we believe. When you were 17 years old, how would you have put it? Pretty soppy back then, wasn’t it. When you were 25? 45? 70? 80?
Let's have a quick go at some of the ideals of love here. While this is hardly a profound article on love, given my job is to help NT/AS (Neurotypical/Asperger's) couples with their relationships, we need to consider the basics.
What we think and hope love means encompasses an attraction to the whole person. We admire who they have chosen to be.
We feel in sync with their values. We respect them and want them to be happy, safe, loved, fulfilled and healthy. And we feel safe around them.
We like to spend time with them and want them to think highly of us. We feel inspired to be our best selves because of them. We feel willing to be there for them as a steadfast partner. We want to give ourselves and our most caring feelings to them.
Finally, we find them physically attractive and want them to desire us too. That last bit is important, otherwise we’re talking about just being friends.
A dear friend of mine indicated an essence of love to me when told me about holding the hand of the woman who would become his wife because it was like finally coming home. It may have been a symbolic reference, but it paints the right picture, doesn't it?
I’ve always been interested in the nebulous, impressionistic aspect of love. Everyone likes to talk about it, especially when they’re young, or when they’re falling in love with someone regardless of age. However the terms can wander all over the place, and the nuances change with circumstance.
I read an article by a merely middle-aged man who had developed a number of debilitating physical challenges which involved being barely able to get around with a cane.
His illnesses were severe enough they forced him to let go of being physically attractive in the classical sense. His face remained handsome, but his body was ravaged. His illnesses also forced him to accept that he could no longer enjoy many physical activities like walking freely or lifting things.
It forced him and his wife to find other ways to see the beauty in each other, and other ways to continue enjoying life together. They found their ways around all that life threw at them and he concluded this:
Each person has to decide what love is for themselves and build on that with their significant other.
We’re going to need to apply his wisdom to our NT/AS marriages and relationships; the challenges of missed communication and varied needs require it.
Your version of love, how your household functions and how it appears to others may need to be changed from whatever your cultural norms are to a good one of your own making.
If you can construct a marriage based on what you decide love is between you and it functions in a healthy manner for you both, then you’ve got it.
Who cares what anyone else thinks of how you’ve built your marriage or how you function within it? As long as each of you is honored, your needs are sufficiently met and you are flourishing in general, it’s your triumph.
Let’s face it; nobody’s marriage is really like the couple next door appears to be.
What if love is like the ball in a game of catch?
- If you throw the ball and the other person never knows to reach out and the ball drops in front of him,
- if you throw the ball at his hands but it always hits in him the face,
- if you throw the ball and he kicks it aside laughing, staring or glaring at you,
- if he never throws the ball back, nor does he seem to acknowledge it,
- if you throw the ball but he’s already walked away, you’ve got a problem.
It’s supposed to be a game of catch, implying the ball is being tossed then caught, back and forth between two parties. So if we reverse this, how often can you perceive that he throws the ball at you?
He probably said he loved you once. Well that’s a throw and a catch. He asked you to marry him. That’s a throw and catch. He goes to work, comes home to you, you share a home and a bank account. That’s a throw and a catch, sort of.
But for the most part if you’re the one throwing the ball at him and you haven’t seen him throw the ball at you for a long time, that’s not playing the game right. It’s supposed to be a ball being thrown and caught repeatedly back and forth between two people.
In many NT/AS relationships, the NT is the one who is throwing the ball, watching it go awry, running over to retrieve it, throwing it again and again watching the ball go right by his unseeing eyes or retreating shoes.
In some cases, the Aspie is throwing back but it’s something other than a baseball and the one catching can't recognize what's being thrown instead. Or it’s too late and he's throwing the ball after she’s given up waiting after so many years and has left the playing field.
In some cases the Aspie doesn't know you've thrown the ball; he can't see it. Or he doesn't understand this is an on-going game of catch that's supposed to last for a lifetime. It's not good enough to throw and catch that ball just a few times in the beginning or once a year.
Each person has to define that ball, define how they want the game to be played and how often, and what kind of timing might be involved before they throw it back. Are you going to throw underhand and soft? What about hard and fast? Mix it up? What else?
What are the various ways you and your partner want to show each other love and what's it going to look like? You can't assume you know, not in marriages like ours.
Therefore we can attempt to have each person learn what is expected of them when they’re catching or throwing the ball and see if it’s viable for them. Sometimes it just needs to be spelled out.
Sometimes it’s not ever going to change. It’s worth seeing if it does.
Come home to yourself~~~
