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When did it first go wrong? Here's your big clue:
When someone with Asperger's falls in love, you get the same chemical cascade running through your entire body as NTs do.
Those chemicals made you act in a way that helped her fall in love with you too. That's because those naturally occurring chemicals that make us fall in love had influenced your behavior to act in ways that bonded you two together.
Unlike NTs, when people with Asperger's get married, the day after, or very soon after, your falling in love chemistry shuts down almost completely. You still love her and want to be with her, but the mushy stuff is gone. Just. Like. That.
With us NTs, the fall-off of these sensations of "being in love" gradually fade away over months and sometimes after a few years to basic love. With NTs there is a strong tendency for a wee bit of those "being in love" chemicals to stay with us forever like embers in the fireplace. To put it another way, those special loving feelings are like a tide that washes in and out.
The emotions of being aware that we love our partner wash over us NTs, often moments during each day, several times a week, and sometimes for weeks at a time. If the marriage is nurtured, these loving, warm feelings that want to be expressed can last a lifetime. Not at the peak level as when you dated, but at a nice, lingering level.
Since Aspies' chemistry plunges back to your baseline literally from one day to the next, this creates a problem for the one you married. This doesn't make it your fault; I'm just saying that its an issue that affects you both.
Here's the reason why. Your spouse dated, got engaged to and married the version of you that was awash in bonding chemistry.
However overnight, she is abruptly met with a much more distant version of you that she's never seen before; the you that existed before you met her. Now she's living with what she perceives is that distant version of you every day of her life thereafter.
Sometimes you may have sparks of those loving feelings but never bother to tell her. You just stand there staring at her with warm eyes and a glowing heart, but you never say a word. You're starving her to death.
She doesn't seem to know you still love her because she can't read your mind if you don't give your love to her.
She can't receive what she isn't given. She can't receive what she can't feel. How is she to know if you don't say or if you don't connect the loving things you do by telling her you thought about her needs?
Worse, when she's feeling like being emotionally close to you, unless you're already in the mood you are most likely to shove her away. You are usually only going to share any affections towards her if you already feel it, not when she initiates it.
If she initiates it, you will mostly likely reject her. Eventually she gives up if this goes on too long. Then she has to struggle with bitterness, frustration and anger.
That's why she's flips out sometimes. She's wondering "where did the man I married go?" She's also wondering, "what did I do wrong?"
You may ask, "What am I supposed to do now?"
There is a multi-disciplinary buffet of things you can do now as well as later. The reason for doing any of them is to assist you to be more comfortable inside your own body, and to be able to have a better marriage.
I will tailor all of my suggestions to you as an individual, your lifestyle, budget and personal needs.
It is important to be true to your own authentic self as someone who has Asperger's, and if you have it, Alexithymia too. We will clarify what your basic requirements and expectations are of your wife or partner.
Then we will find out what her needs are and how you can accommodate each other with the best results and least amount of damage possible.
The goal is to find better systems of relating so that you can both have the basics of what you need while protecting your neurological boundaries.
Sometimes you will discover that the accommodations required are not possible for each person's well-being and we can discuss various alternative living arrangements that may ease many of your issues. We can also discuss what might be involved in a mutually satisfactory divorce.
Write or call me to schedule a free 20-minute discussion to see how we could work together.
Come home to yourself~~~
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Welcome to life down the rabbit hole.
How the two of you combine and how you've handled it will slide you into one of these three categories.
Based on everything I've heard on the forums and from my clients I've got the resulting zones grouped into the categories below. Which one are you in?
#1. Doing well, just need some tweaking.
In the first category, you only need help tweaking your relationship with him. You get along with each other fairly well, enjoy time together, know he's a special guy, have your independent times apart, and you have a satisfactory to great sex life. Well, for the most part.
You might have a few areas of confusion or seem to have some friction that you would like to understand better. Perhaps there are one or two aspects of your NT/AS relationship that you don't seem to be able to sort out between you.
You would like some road-tested ideas as well. He is willing to talk and had made some meaningful changes so that you are both more comfortable.
You would like to try various methods to build that bridge between you in those areas. You won't need to work with me very long and will soon be off enjoying life more with your partner.
#2. Fed up, broken-hearted, scrambled brains
You're worn out. You're exhausted in a way you can't describe well to anybody unless your girlfriend's husband is on the spectrum too, or you found a good forum on the subject where the women there completely related to your condition. You're hurt, angry, confused, frustrated and feeling abandoned on most fronts.
All aspects of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome have set in which are discussed below.
Your mind gets all tangled up and trips over itself. It seems like your brains are scrambled every time you have a conflict with your husband.
Your hobbies and interests have dwindled. You might still have a hobby left that you enjoy, possibly to the point of obsession. However you don't enjoy all your old activities as much as you did before. You're often too tired to get up and do them anymore, if you even care at this point. Your world is shrinking.
You've tried learning and being understanding
In fact you've bent over backwards being forgiving, allowing for idiosyncrasies, talked it out with girlfriends, tried some techniques, maybe read a book or two and a few articles online about Asperger's. You might have attended a local presentation and bounced through a few forums. You're not seeing progress.
Erased
You're starting to lose yourself. You spend so much time trying to figure him out because he doesn't make any sense. Your whole personality is getting eaten away because you don't have any mental energy left to be who you are anymore. You explain things to him and argue with him over things you can't believe you have to until you drop. You throw away whole portions of your emotional makeup just to get along with him.
He complains so much about things you do or say and it gets to you. You accommodate his criticisms sometimes because you want to please him, other times because you don't want to fight anymore. Ah, for some peace in the house. It makes sense to accommodate while you're doing it, but it's a trap.
It's beginning not to matter what your favorite color is, what you like to do on the weekends, what your opinions are about things because there is less of you as a person in existence.
It's all about trying to figure out what's going on with him and how you can fix it. You're afraid if you don't keep trying, that it's just going to go on like this forever and you can't take it.
Stop! You're not going to get anywhere doing this. You're going down the rabbit hole this way, directly into a swamp. If you keep this up, you'll get erased down to that tiny little girl under the mushroom in Alice in Wonderland. Life in Aspieland feels like some version of that when you're living it.
You still work outside the house. You may still work but dread the interactions or lack thereof when you get home. Your relationship hasn't grown at all compared to most of your friends.
He's retreating more from holiday activities and time at home with the family. Maybe you have to take dinner into his bedroom for him because he won't eat with the family anymore.
You don't work outside the house. Maybe you don't work at a job outside the house anymore because you thought it was a good idea for you to dedicate yourself to being an at-home parent.
Or you don't work outside the house because you're raising the kids mostly by yourself,
- one of your children is on the spectrum,
- taking care of your family's entire life in general
- looking out for your husband in a way you never dreamed you'd have to,
- and how much conflict he causes at home are all just too much.
An addition, you're too overwhelmed,
- more drained every year,
- maybe too ill too often to drag yourself out to work in a job outside the house in addition to all this.
You might have thought about going back to work. But many people married to or partnered with Aspies find that once they stop working they fall farther into what they call "the swamp." Now you're isolated from interacting with other adult NTs during the day, so being home intensifies your situation.
Major tip: When married to someone with Asperger's, if possible never, ever quit work until you resolve the majority of issues between you and have a marriage that functions well for you both. Don't even think about it!
When you're sick. Are there any offers of aid from your spouse unless you ask for it? Probably not. Anyone's husband or wife rushing in to rescue you? Hmmm?
One woman relates that her husband stepped over her body as she lay on the floor when he got home from work. He needed to get to his chair to read his mail so he stepped over her.
She was delirious from a high fever, was lying collapsed on the floor to cool down and coughed violently from the pneumonia he knew she had. None of this triggered him to think there was any need for him to take any action.
He asked her what was for dinner that night instead of taking her to the hospital. She was giggling at him in delirium which he mistook for a good mood.
Then he left the room, again stepping over her body on the floor, went to his office, closed the door and got into his hobbies. He came out later wondering when dinner was and got a giggle for a reply He fixed dinner, put hers on the floor beside her and left the room. He later went to bed, leaving her there.
A man told me that a few days after he got home from having surgery to remove a cancerous tumor in his stomach, his wife who has Asperger's left town to visit a distant cousin. When I asked her about this, she explained that he could walk to the bathroom, so he must be ok on his own now.
Ring any bells?
It's not that people on the spectrum don't love you. They can't properly read cues indicating they should take action. Some of them have no idea what either one of you are feeling when you're ill. There's a lot to think about with this issue. However there are strategies you can put in place to deal with the life issues most likely to come up.
No emotional validation anywhere. Your husband doesn't seem to be trying to adapt to being married to you. Over the years you find you are pretty much completely adapting to all his sensitivities. Your friends are falling away and the ones who are left tell you they don't want to hear about it anymore.
Losing friends. People don't like to come over as much as they did before you married him. Some tell you he makes them feel uncomfortable, some say they think he's a jerk, some just quietly tell you they're very busy until you realize one day you never see them anymore.
Some friends tell you he's just being a man and you should be grateful because he is dedicated to his work and is a good provider. Or they say you're lucky because he's so good looking.
Your health has started to slide. Emotional pain is predominant. You're gaining weight. You're developing health challenges. You're becoming tense, reactive and jumpy. You just don't have the focus to take better care of yourself now.
Fun is disappearing from your life more each year. You are wrestling with more heart-break, sadness, a sense of betrayal, anger and frustration than you ever imagined.
Sex. It could be he's technically great in bed, although he's mechanical about it, and you're somewhat of a happy camper there, but the rest of your relationship is very odd.
In other cases, perhaps sex with your partner is now either something that no longer gives you much pleasure, or repulses you. You still wish for better love-making but it lacks the connection and intimacy you want so much.
Perhaps one or both of you simply gave up or put a stop to it.
You doubt yourself more. You begin to wonder if you were ever competent or attractive. He points out all your faults but none of your good points. Maybe he's right about some of what he says about you. But you used to be quite a remarkable woman. At least you thought you were. Could you have changed that much?
You're trying so hard, but how many of your marital problems are actually because of the way you are? Are you the source of all this difficulty? He points out so many of your faults that have kernels of truth, and he's so honest about everything, so are you not the person you thought you were so long ago?
Therapy. If you got him to go to a therapist, he didn't stay long, and didn't like the therapist because he thought she was stupid.
Let's say he tried to go along with some of the tips suggested by the therapist. He tried them, it worked for two weeks, then he just lost interest, stopped the effort and then stopped going to therapy. Or lied about it. Then he got mad when you figured out he wasn't going any more.
Or maybe he doesn't know he has Asperger's. You don't think he can handle that you think he might.
Maybe he will talk about it with you but nothing changes permanently at home.
Maybe he knows he has Asperger's but he won't talk about it, having discovered he's on the spectrum, he thinks the subject is closed.
You gave him a book but it never got read.
He's just out of reach. You can still glimpse the terrific parts of his personality but don't always feel like you're getting the best of them. Sometimes he's so funny, or insightful, smart, and fun to be with. There are moments when he stands in the doorway to say something and you feel that old attraction.
His eyes are so beautiful when he stares at you in kindness, the way they do sometimes. Sometimes you look inside of him and feel like you're looking into eternity. Your heart melts when he has that little smile on his face when you talk. Sometimes.
At moments he can be so attractive and you want to run into his arms, hoping that this time he'll embrace you back and say all that you've been longing to hear.
Other times, he says something very funny and you both laugh like crazy. Sometimes. But these are just moments in time.
How do you get from those fleeting moments into a better life together? How can you know if it's possible?
#3. Road Kill
Welcome to the swamp. Numbness prevails only to be punctuated with anger. You barely see friends or relatives anymore, and if you did run into old friends, they would barely recognize you. You've got an auto-immune disease now, or two or three. I've heard of six. Chances are you've gained weight from eating too many comfort foods and you have aged because of on-going stress.
Nothing you said to him over the years made any difference, so you've quit having those talks. You've given up wearing clothes that make you look attractive which would be a challenge now anyway. You quit fussing with your hair, don't wear makeup or perfume anymore because you just don't care.
You're incredibly lonely, feeling isolated, but at the same time you don't want to see anyone because what would you talk about anymore? You're miserable and numb. Sometimes you feel hopeless.
Your relationship with your partner is dead in the water. You have old habits together, but you are only going through the motions. He might seem okay, in fact almost pleased with this level of deterioration in the relationship because you leave him alone now, but personally you are emotionally gutted.
You'd love some tender understanding and to be held for a long time but it's not even something to hope for anymore. In fact at this point if he tried to be affectionate you'd tell him to get lost. OTRS has now sucked the life out of you.
He walks by you like you're furniture now. He would be either shocked, bored, or both to know how you feel.
Sex? Are you kidding?
Shutdowns, Meltdowns and Rage
Shutdowns happen when your Aspie is so overwhelmed by incoming information and emotions that they have a sort of systems crash. They may just sit there with their eyes glazed over, or may go lie down or even tip over perhaps in a fetal position.
Meltdowns happen when an Aspie suddenly goes into what looks like a personal, very serious hissy fit that may include yelling, stomping around, throwing things or hitting furniture. In a neurotypical child, we'd call this a tantrum. It is emotional overwhelm not directed at you or anyone, just a way of blowing off unbearable stress because the Aspie hasn't developed good methods of expression and stress management.
Rage or Intermittent Explosive Disorder is blind rage. It is specifically directed at someone, probably you. It is complete break from rationality and not relative or in any proportion to anything going on at the moment. While there might be subtle warning signs, often there is no clue to the impending explosion for either party. It just happens. Not all Aspies have these.
Since these are triggered by inner unresolved stress in the Aspie these terrifying rages are confounding to deal with. When a grown man goes white in the face, stands up and roars horrible things at you in a blind rage, its a shattering experience that is paralyzing to the one being attacked at the onset. It leaves the wife reeling for weeks after because of the obvious danger level.
Intermittent Explosive Disorder is very serious and can be correlated with Autism and Alexithymia. See "Accidental Narcissists" for a discussion on Alexithymia since there is a tie-in here that may explain things. This kind of rage is not exclusive to people on the spectrum, but is certainly affiliated in some. At it's best, it can leave the NT feeling terror in the moment and under massive stress for weeks if not months.
At it's worst since this rage is directed at someone, perhaps you specifically, it can escalate into physical violence. It is very dangerous and must be dealt with. You can't leave this one to settle out by itself. This one often gets worse, not better and must be stopped.
Depending on what level it's occurring, I can show you how to potentially defuse and manage those terrifying situations. There are some concrete ideas on how to prevent some of those episodes in the future.
If you're living with an emotional terrorist, sometimes none of those blind rages can be managed and you'll have some serious decisions to make for your sanity, safety and your children's welfare.
OK, deep breath. We're moving away from this subject.
Who are you anymore?
Who did you used to be? Are you somewhere between aching with a broken heart or numb? If you are in this last category and still want to have a better life, there is hope. I've seen people crawl out of this swamp and go on to have the life they wanted to. Don't let go of that hope because it's real.
There are ways out of any of these three categories shown here.
Even though you might feel a little like Alice in Wonderland who is living her life down the rabbit hole, there are specific things you can do to rejuvenate yourself, reclaim yourself and revive your zest for life again while you continue to live with your Aspie.
Sometimes you have to stop fighting for your marriage for a little while and fight for yourself. Check out "Their Brains are on Fire" because while you're rebalancing out your life, there are things you can do to sort out your partner's health.
After each person has been tended to, we can look for ways to build a bridge or two between you and your partner.
Be a phoenix. Rise up out of your situation for yourself and for the kids. Many have found their way out of "the swamp" regardless of their husband's ability to make changes.
What would it be like to get from where you are now to have your life back as the person you were meant to be? Need some help?
Come home to yourself, reclaim your life and move forward. It takes work to resurrect yourself and come up with better strategies that have a positive effect on your marriage.
There are paths to take and I know where they are. I can show you how.
I speak Aspie and can serve as a translator between you and your Aspie when necessary.
There are a variety of processes we can go through to decide if you need to get a divorce if it comes down to it.
Most NTs have compromised their needs, altered their lifestyle and given until there is nothing left to give. That needs to stop which is why we are going back to rediscover your basic needs and remembering where you were headed before you met your partner.
Our focus will be to get back your neurologically-based authentic self as an NT and find the strength and joys of that. Then we'll work on seeing if we can find ways to communicate better and bond more with your husband. Let's get some peace and fulfillment back in your life.
Take a moment and really look at this woman to the left. Can you feel her contentment? See how she's peaceful enough to enjoy the sun on her face. You can get that back.
Come home to yourself~~~
You can re-ignite your whole life and possibly find ways to create a better marriage. Call me for a free 20-minute discussion and let's see if we want to work together.
Site Content
Welcome to life down the rabbit hole.
How the two of you combine and how you've handled it will slide you into one of these three categories.
Based on everything I've heard on the forums and from my clients I've got the resulting zones grouped into the categories below. Which one are you in?
#1. Doing well, just need some tweaking.
In the first category, you only need help tweaking your relationship with him. You get along with each other fairly well, enjoy time together, know he's a special guy, have your independent times apart, and you have a satisfactory to great sex life. Well, for the most part.
You might have a few areas of confusion or seem to have some friction that you would like to understand better. Perhaps there are one or two aspects of your NT/AS relationship that you don't seem to be able to sort out between you.
You would like some road-tested ideas as well. He is willing to talk and had made some meaningful changes so that you are both more comfortable.
You would like to try various methods to build that bridge between you in those areas. You won't need to work with me very long and will soon be off enjoying life more with your partner.
#2. Fed up, broken-hearted, scrambled brains
You're worn out. You're exhausted in a way you can't describe well to anybody unless your girlfriend's husband is on the spectrum too, or you found a good forum on the subject where the women there completely related to your condition. You're hurt, angry, confused, frustrated and feeling abandoned on most fronts.
All aspects of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome have set in which are discussed below.
Your mind gets all tangled up and trips over itself. It seems like your brains are scrambled every time you have a conflict with your husband.
Your hobbies and interests have dwindled. You might still have a hobby left that you enjoy, possibly to the point of obsession. However you don't enjoy all your old activities as much as you did before. You're often too tired to get up and do them anymore, if you even care at this point. Your world is shrinking.
You've tried learning and being understanding
In fact you've bent over backwards being forgiving, allowing for idiosyncrasies, talked it out with girlfriends, tried some techniques, maybe read a book or two and a few articles online about Asperger's. You might have attended a local presentation and bounced through a few forums. You're not seeing progress.
Erased
You're starting to lose yourself. You spend so much time trying to figure him out because he doesn't make any sense. Your whole personality is getting eaten away because you don't have any mental energy left to be who you are anymore. You explain things to him and argue with him over things you can't believe you have to until you drop. You throw away whole portions of your emotional makeup just to get along with him.
He complains so much about things you do or say and it gets to you. You accommodate his criticisms sometimes because you want to please him, other times because you don't want to fight anymore. Ah, for some peace in the house. It makes sense to accommodate while you're doing it, but it's a trap.
It's beginning not to matter what your favorite color is, what you like to do on the weekends, what your opinions are about things because there is less of you as a person in existence.
It's all about trying to figure out what's going on with him and how you can fix it. You're afraid if you don't keep trying, that it's just going to go on like this forever and you can't take it.
Stop! You're not going to get anywhere doing this. You're going down the rabbit hole this way, directly into a swamp. If you keep this up, you'll get erased down to that tiny little girl under the mushroom in Alice in Wonderland. Life in Aspieland feels like some version of that when you're living it.
You still work outside the house. You may still work but dread the interactions or lack thereof when you get home. Your relationship hasn't grown at all compared to most of your friends.
He's retreating more from holiday activities and time at home with the family. Maybe you have to take dinner into his bedroom for him because he won't eat with the family anymore.
You don't work outside the house. Maybe you don't work at a job outside the house anymore because you thought it was a good idea for you to dedicate yourself to being an at-home parent.
Or you don't work outside the house because you're raising the kids mostly by yourself,
- one of your children is on the spectrum,
- taking care of your family's entire life in general
- looking out for your husband in a way you never dreamed you'd have to,
- and how much conflict he causes at home are all just too much.
An addition, you're too overwhelmed,
- more drained every year,
- maybe too ill too often to drag yourself out to work in a job outside the house in addition to all this.
You might have thought about going back to work. But many people married to or partnered with Aspies find that once they stop working they fall farther into what they call "the swamp." Now you're isolated from interacting with other adult NTs during the day, so being home intensifies your situation.
Major tip: When married to someone with Asperger's, if possible never, ever quit work until you resolve the majority of issues between you and have a marriage that functions well for you both. Don't even think about it!
When you're sick. Are there any offers of aid from your spouse unless you ask for it? Probably not. Anyone's husband or wife rushing in to rescue you? Hmmm?
One woman relates that her husband stepped over her body as she lay on the floor when he got home from work. He needed to get to his chair to read his mail so he stepped over her.
She was delirious from a high fever, was lying collapsed on the floor to cool down and coughed violently from the pneumonia he knew she had. None of this triggered him to think there was any need for him to take any action.
He asked her what was for dinner that night instead of taking her to the hospital. She was giggling at him in delirium which he mistook for a good mood.
Then he left the room, again stepping over her body on the floor, went to his office, closed the door and got into his hobbies. He came out later wondering when dinner was and got a giggle for a reply He fixed dinner, put hers on the floor beside her and left the room. He later went to bed, leaving her there.
A man told me that a few days after he got home from having surgery to remove a cancerous tumor in his stomach, his wife who has Asperger's left town to visit a distant cousin. When I asked her about this, she explained that he could walk to the bathroom, so he must be ok on his own now.
Ring any bells?
It's not that people on the spectrum don't love you. They can't properly read cues indicating they should take action. Some of them have no idea what either one of you are feeling when you're ill. There's a lot to think about with this issue. However there are strategies you can put in place to deal with the life issues most likely to come up.
No emotional validation anywhere. Your husband doesn't seem to be trying to adapt to being married to you. Over the years you find you are pretty much completely adapting to all his sensitivities. Your friends are falling away and the ones who are left tell you they don't want to hear about it anymore.
Losing friends. People don't like to come over as much as they did before you married him. Some tell you he makes them feel uncomfortable, some say they think he's a jerk, some just quietly tell you they're very busy until you realize one day you never see them anymore.
Some friends tell you he's just being a man and you should be grateful because he is dedicated to his work and is a good provider. Or they say you're lucky because he's so good looking.
Your health has started to slide. Emotional pain is predominant. You're gaining weight. You're developing health challenges. You're becoming tense, reactive and jumpy. You just don't have the focus to take better care of yourself now.
Fun is disappearing from your life more each year. You are wrestling with more heart-break, sadness, a sense of betrayal, anger and frustration than you ever imagined.
Sex. It could be he's technically great in bed, although he's mechanical about it, and you're somewhat of a happy camper there, but the rest of your relationship is very odd.
In other cases, perhaps sex with your partner is now either something that no longer gives you much pleasure, or repulses you. You still wish for better love-making but it lacks the connection and intimacy you want so much.
Perhaps one or both of you simply gave up or put a stop to it.
You doubt yourself more. You begin to wonder if you were ever competent or attractive. He points out all your faults but none of your good points. Maybe he's right about some of what he says about you. But you used to be quite a remarkable woman. At least you thought you were. Could you have changed that much?
You're trying so hard, but how many of your marital problems are actually because of the way you are? Are you the source of all this difficulty? He points out so many of your faults that have kernels of truth, and he's so honest about everything, so are you not the person you thought you were so long ago?
Therapy. If you got him to go to a therapist, he didn't stay long, and didn't like the therapist because he thought she was stupid.
Let's say he tried to go along with some of the tips suggested by the therapist. He tried them, it worked for two weeks, then he just lost interest, stopped the effort and then stopped going to therapy. Or lied about it. Then he got mad when you figured out he wasn't going any more.
Or maybe he doesn't know he has Asperger's. You don't think he can handle that you think he might.
Maybe he will talk about it with you but nothing changes permanently at home.
Maybe he knows he has Asperger's but he won't talk about it, having discovered he's on the spectrum, he thinks the subject is closed.
You gave him a book but it never got read.
He's just out of reach. You can still glimpse the terrific parts of his personality but don't always feel like you're getting the best of them. Sometimes he's so funny, or insightful, smart, and fun to be with. There are moments when he stands in the doorway to say something and you feel that old attraction.
His eyes are so beautiful when he stares at you in kindness, the way they do sometimes. Sometimes you look inside of him and feel like you're looking into eternity. Your heart melts when he has that little smile on his face when you talk. Sometimes.
At moments he can be so attractive and you want to run into his arms, hoping that this time he'll embrace you back and say all that you've been longing to hear.
Other times, he says something very funny and you both laugh like crazy. Sometimes. But these are just moments in time.
How do you get from those fleeting moments into a better life together? How can you know if it's possible?
#3. Road Kill
Welcome to the swamp. Numbness prevails only to be punctuated with anger. You barely see friends or relatives anymore, and if you did run into old friends, they would barely recognize you. You've got an auto-immune disease now, or two or three. I've heard of six. Chances are you've gained weight from eating too many comfort foods and you have aged because of on-going stress.
Nothing you said to him over the years made any difference, so you've quit having those talks. You've given up wearing clothes that make you look attractive which would be a challenge now anyway. You quit fussing with your hair, don't wear makeup or perfume anymore because you just don't care.
You're incredibly lonely, feeling isolated, but at the same time you don't want to see anyone because what would you talk about anymore? You're miserable and numb. Sometimes you feel hopeless.
Your relationship with your partner is dead in the water. You have old habits together, but you are only going through the motions. He might seem okay, in fact almost pleased with this level of deterioration in the relationship because you leave him alone now, but personally you are emotionally gutted.
You'd love some tender understanding and to be held for a long time but it's not even something to hope for anymore. In fact at this point if he tried to be affectionate you'd tell him to get lost. OTRS has now sucked the life out of you.
He walks by you like you're furniture now. He would be either shocked, bored, or both to know how you feel.
Sex? Are you kidding?
Shutdowns, Meltdowns and Rage
Shutdowns happen when your Aspie is so overwhelmed by incoming information and emotions that they have a sort of systems crash. They may just sit there with their eyes glazed over, or may go lie down or even tip over perhaps in a fetal position.
Meltdowns happen when an Aspie suddenly goes into what looks like a personal, very serious hissy fit that may include yelling, stomping around, throwing things or hitting furniture. In a neurotypical child, we'd call this a tantrum. It is emotional overwhelm not directed at you or anyone, just a way of blowing off unbearable stress because the Aspie hasn't developed good methods of expression and stress management.
Rage or Intermittent Explosive Disorder is blind rage. It is specifically directed at someone, probably you. It is complete break from rationality and not relative or in any proportion to anything going on at the moment. While there might be subtle warning signs, often there is no clue to the impending explosion for either party. It just happens. Not all Aspies have these.
Since these are triggered by inner unresolved stress in the Aspie these terrifying rages are confounding to deal with. When a grown man goes white in the face, stands up and roars horrible things at you in a blind rage, its a shattering experience that is paralyzing to the one being attacked at the onset. It leaves the wife reeling for weeks after because of the obvious danger level.
Intermittent Explosive Disorder is very serious and can be correlated with Autism and Alexithymia. See "Accidental Narcissists" for a discussion on Alexithymia since there is a tie-in here that may explain things. This kind of rage is not exclusive to people on the spectrum, but is certainly affiliated in some. At it's best, it can leave the NT feeling terror in the moment and under massive stress for weeks if not months.
At it's worst since this rage is directed at someone, perhaps you specifically, it can escalate into physical violence. It is very dangerous and must be dealt with. You can't leave this one to settle out by itself. This one often gets worse, not better and must be stopped.
Depending on what level it's occurring, I can show you how to potentially defuse and manage those terrifying situations. There are some concrete ideas on how to prevent some of those episodes in the future.
If you're living with an emotional terrorist, sometimes none of those blind rages can be managed and you'll have some serious decisions to make for your sanity, safety and your children's welfare.
OK, deep breath. We're moving away from this subject.
Who are you anymore?
Who did you used to be? Are you somewhere between aching with a broken heart or numb? If you are in this last category and still want to have a better life, there is hope. I've seen people crawl out of this swamp and go on to have the life they wanted to. Don't let go of that hope because it's real.
There are ways out of any of these three categories shown here.
Even though you might feel a little like Alice in Wonderland who is living her life down the rabbit hole, there are specific things you can do to rejuvenate yourself, reclaim yourself and revive your zest for life again while you continue to live with your Aspie.
Sometimes you have to stop fighting for your marriage for a little while and fight for yourself. Check out "Their Brains are on Fire" because while you're rebalancing out your life, there are things you can do to sort out your partner's health.
After each person has been tended to, we can look for ways to build a bridge or two between you and your partner.
Be a phoenix. Rise up out of your situation for yourself and for the kids. Many have found their way out of "the swamp" regardless of their husband's ability to make changes.
What would it be like to get from where you are now to have your life back as the person you were meant to be? Need some help?
Come home to yourself, reclaim your life and move forward. It takes work to resurrect yourself and come up with better strategies that have a positive effect on your marriage.
There are paths to take and I know where they are. I can show you how.
I speak Aspie and can serve as a translator between you and your Aspie when necessary.
There are a variety of processes we can go through to decide if you need to get a divorce if it comes down to it.
Most NTs have compromised their needs, altered their lifestyle and given until there is nothing left to give. That needs to stop which is why we are going back to rediscover your basic needs and remembering where you were headed before you met your partner.
Our focus will be to get back your neurologically-based authentic self as an NT and find the strength and joys of that. Then we'll work on seeing if we can find ways to communicate better and bond more with your husband. Let's get some peace and fulfillment back in your life.
Take a moment and really look at this woman to the left. Can you feel her contentment? See how she's peaceful enough to enjoy the sun on her face. You can get that back.
Come home to yourself~~~
You can re-ignite your whole life and possibly find ways to create a better marriage. Call me for a free 20-minute discussion and let's see if we want to work together.
Which category are you in?
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