Site Content

---

Cassandra Syndrome aka On-going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome

Lines are being drawn in the sand

Our own version of PTSD

​When  I first got involved in the Autism community, those with any degree of  Autism sat silent listening to the lectures, finding each other in the  hallways between sessions and speaking with some of us neurotypicals  (NTs) if they felt like it. 

While it is essential and welcome  that people on the spectrum have found their own voices to represent  themselves, how they do so is endlessly interesting because we are  finally hearing their points of view. 

Those  points of view are varied as those of us NTs are, but there are common  themes among those on the spectrum advocating for themselves. 

After  I explain what On-Going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS) or The  Cassandra Syndrome is, I’ll let you know what NTs and Aspies have to say  about it. 

When  you look at some of what defines Asperger’s, part of their syndrome  includes deficits in communication that have a direct impact on how well  relationships function and evolve.

There are varying degrees of  deficits in the ability to understand what life is like for another  person, to read facial expressions or body language or even verbal cues  that give indications for empathy or compassion. 

There  is also the inability to imagine what someone else is thinking or  feeling at any given time or under various circumstances.  This is known  as Mind Blindness along with Alexithymia which I cover in detail under  “Accidental Narcissists.”

So how do you develop a connection with  another person?  Knowing someone superficially is knowing facts about  them, but sensing someone's feelings as it relates to their overall  experiences in life is where the heart of the matter lies. 

Their own version of color blind

Compare  this to color-blindness.  If you can’t see the color red, you might  think it doesn’t exist.  My dad was red color-blind and he didn't  believe that red as most of us see it existed until something happened  during a field trip in one of his art classes as a young man. 

They  were on the side of a hill and a red roof was mentioned in the valley  below that everyone was talking about.  He couldn't see it.  Finally it  dawned on him that the color he couldn't see was real. It looked like a  shade of grey to him.  

​My  father was neurotypical but resisted the idea of a color designated as  red because he couldn't see it.  He only accepted the concept when he  realized the art classmates who were talking about the one red roof down  there were sincere. 

They  had nothing to gain by fooling him and were more focused on discussing  what shade of red than convincing him of it.  Their conversation was so  enthusiastic and intense that he finally realized he was the one with  the problem. 

All  this time he could only see red as a shade of grey and thought people  were making a pretty big production out of that shade of grey.  

Accepting  that he couldn't see it changed his idea of reality and changed his  career path because of it.  He was an extraordinary artist but changed  his classes over to mechanical engineering after that. 

Therefore,  in relationships if you can’t see the other’s life experiences, the  emotional content of those experiences don’t exist.  They can't be  real.  Those emotional expressions look like nonsense eruptions.  If  those feelings and emotional experiences don’t exist because you are  blind to them, you get to dismiss them. 

I  have yet to find an argument that gets through to someone on the  spectrum that persuades them otherwise regarding what they can't see.   I'm still looking for that "little red roof" from dad's art class to  apply to this situation.  

If the other person insists it exists  for them, the Aspie gets to tell himself that his wife is the one with  the delusions.  If the NTs get worked up because Aspies can’t see their  experiences of the world, then the Aspies get to decide the NTs are  bringing their misery all on themselves.

So if you’re the NT  standing there so alone and abandoned in pain over something that the  Aspie and perhaps Alexi person cannot see, you feel isolated,  unsupported, scared, a little unsure of yourself, a little crazy, eager  to try to get the other to understand, and rejected for making much ado  about
“nothing.”   

Over the top "for no reason"

If  you’re the Aspie watching your wife, it seems like she is having a  semi-hysterical fit once in a while that is a complete waste of time.   What’s wrong with her!  You want nothing to do with this, looking at her  as if she’s being ridiculous and you probably tell her that. 

You might get angry with her or walk away because you feel frustrated.  It depends on the situation what you feel. 

Imagine  this on a daily or weekly basis for years.  The Aspie thinks he has  married a neurotic, weak and sometimes stupid person who can’t handle  life. The end result of this dynamic puts the NT down the rabbit hole in  Aspie Land feeling miserable in a swamp she has no idea how to get out  of. 

As Maxine Aston who wrote The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome outlines it, having Cassandra can lead to

• sleep problems,
  
• lethargy,
  
• overeating,
  
• depression,
  
• social problems,
  
• anxiety,
  
• loss of sex drive and
  
• mood changes.  

​Some  people turn to alcohol, other substance abuse or various addictions.   Others shut down so much in order not to upset the resident Aspie that  they take on Asperger's demeanor themselves.

It’s  a factor of combining two different neurological makeups in the same  household, and one of them has a brain that is wired differently as well  as missing parts that are consistent with NTs.  The Aspie did not wake  up one morning deciding to hurt his wife and drive her nuts. 

What’s  hard to grapple with here is that the Aspie did not mean to "do it to  her” because there was no plan to do so.  Yet hurt she is.

​On  the other hand, we are going to be politically correct if we don’t call  Asperger’s what it is.  It’s a communications and social disorder  caused by brain constructions that vary from the norm for reasons we  haven’t completely sorted out yet. 

Same  goes for the Alexithymia that up to 85% of folks with Asperger's have.   People with this have difficulty knowing and naming their emotions, and  have a heck of a time understanding when you're being emotional.  This  is also brain alterations off standard construction caused by toxins of  some sort that trigger genetic changes according to everything that I've  read. 

​I’m  not going to whitewash it and pretend otherwise so that we can all feel  good.  Pretending doesn’t do anyone a favor.  We can’t help each other  and navigate through the terrain of any situation unless we call out the  facts of these matters as we know them so far. 

It's  important to remember their intellect is in no way altered by either of  these challenges, nor does this have anything to do with their quality  as human beings.

Continuing with the analogy of the color  example, it's like NTs can see a complex rainbow of colors, and we  observe that Aspies cannot.  NTs go about our business with a lot more  usable emotional input in our brains than the Aspies do. 

While  they have the ability to be quite creative, their deficits make it very  hard to live with many of them.  Not in all cases, just many.   

We  NTs are a collection of characters in the world with our own laundry  list of imperfections.  Having seen my own genetics and read so many  papers on this subject it’s a wonder any of us function as well as we do  and manage to live with each other.  

It is apparent to me that  it is the combination of putting the Aspie together with an NT that  causes the friction creating OTRS.  

Going too far

Some  women who had such a horrible experience with their Aspies decide all  men are awful. When they divorce they never intend to date or marry  again.  Even when I point out they were confusing Asperger’s with men,  some would not hear of it.  They were done with the whole lot of them.   This is an unfortunate extreme response and solution. 

Equally  unfortunate is the self-righteous position of some Aspie's responses  when they proclaim having Asperger’s is nothing short of a gift and not a communication disorder of any kind.   Aspies who tout this  position often deny the existence of On-Going Traumatic Relationship  Syndrome.

Do  you see the irony here?  Cassandra or OTRS has its origins in the  position that the complaints of the one who tells you that they are  suffering are not to be believed. And some of these Aspies don't believe  us when we tell them they damage us.  There you are ~~~ our point exactly!

OTRS  comes from being in an intimate relationship where the inability to  express compassion, empathy, to see the other’s point of view, to  imagine what life is like for that other person, to not be able to see  the other person’s pain, loneliness, emotional starvation, exhaustion  and fear.  Denied!

Those  who deny make our own point for us.  They then ignore or deride,  ridicule, laugh at, and put down the people claiming these responses  after they deny that this is happening. 

They  accuse the NT of being all screwed up before they met them. This may be  true, but the complaints within the relationship are not made up. 

They claim we were in this condition before we met them. 

No we weren’t. ​

​
NTs  get a little wacky-doodle from living like this because when you’re  married there doesn’t feel like there's any way out of this because  you've living with the very person whose behavior creates the  condition.  Most of our husbands are lovable, nice, earnest guys full of personal integrity but most of them still deny OTRS exists.  ​

Denial doesn’t change the facts

Want  to know what some of the more aggressive contributors on some  Asperger’s sites sound like?  Some of the participants are rolling in  laughter at NTs being wounded by one of their own. 

​Since  Aspies often can't see what the results of their behavior does to their  partners, NTs apparently look pathetic and ridiculous worthy only of  being scorned.

I  have read sarcastic comments, declarations of our being weak,  psychologically broken women before we ever got involved with our Aspie.  Research shows the opposite.  Besides, if NTs were all so pathetic  before we got together with them, how come they didn't pick up on this  when we were dating?   Checkmate. 

To  be able to live for any length of time with most people with Asperger's  or who may also have Alexithymia, it is required that you be an  astounding pillar of strength with patience they cannot imagine.  We are  painfully aware of it.  They can't see that either. 
​

​The  NTs who have OTRS or Cassandra who were responding to those more  aggressive contributors on those Aspie forums were struggling to  communicate with the Aspies to get through and get some constructive  feedback.  They were verbally destroyed by these guys.

What  I have seen from some of these more militant Aspies has completely  supported our NT point of view that there is often no responsibility  taken for the actions and words or lack thereof that hurts us so. 

It’s  important to know that most people on the spectrum are kind and quite  decent.  Thankfully the militants are in a narrow minority and I’ve only  interacted with one, personally.

Where does that leave us?  Where does that leave dialog?  They keep making our point repeatedly and can’t see the galling irony.

I  have no idea how many NT/AS marriages are happy.  But I do know it  seems like an eternal avalanche of people writing and calling me in  similarly bedraggled conditions.  Aspies can deny all they want; it does  not change the facts. 

If you are an NT reading these  descriptions of the Cassandra and OTRS, you’ll recognize yourself  immediately if you have a moderate selection of issues with someone on  the spectrum. 

If  you have AS, what we all need is a relationship plan with schedules so  that issues can be worked through with respect. Please open your mind to  possibilities. What you need may not be possible for you to get from us  either. Some of us ought not to live with each other.

​What are we going to do?

NTs,  be with other NTs as much as possible.  Don’t give up your friends and  interests.  Limit your time with your spouse to the best of what you  share together, then get away from him or her on a regular basis for a  hobby or some weekends away with friends. 

Go back to work if you're not working if your family life permits and if this is what you want to do.  Start a business. 

Take  classes, teach classes ---  anything to get you out on your own doing  something energizing, inspirational or fun with other NTs. 

Sometimes  these activities out on your own help you to stay together if that’s  what you really want, or buys you time until you can get away for good.

There  are many different levels of treatment for OTRS.  It depends on a few  things.  We can talk about that if you decide to work with me. There are  many things you can do on a continuum of suggestions. 

If all this doesn’t work, there are specialists and psychologists you can go to, or you can go get a good lawyer.

What you need is a short-term plan.  The long-term plan becomes evident to you as you work on it.

Come home to yourself~~~