Site Content
Additional Information
You're probably here because you're spouse wants to work with me
and asked you to join us. You have the world figured out and are fairly
content with yourself. However, your marriage may need some attention.
Welcome. If you work with me ---
I won't waste your time. My work and knowledge is based on experience and personal observation in addition to theory.
I won't insult your intelligence. You know who you are and have come to your own conclusions about life.
Communication issues are not your fault. They're not anybody's fault. You've got Asperger's and she doesn't; you've combined a household as a merger with two neurological operating systems.
These communications issues may not be anyone's fault, but they are serious issues the whole family has to deal with.
I will offer you information based on validated research about Asperger's. If there are uncomfortable aspects in your relationship you might want to know why and what can be done about them. The choice of whether or not to accept this information will be yours. You'll have my full respect either way.
I will suggest you take the test for Alexithymia. As much as 85% of the people who have Asperger's also have some degree of this. In life, isn't it better to know what you're dealing with? That way you and your significant other can have a relationship with less friction. The test is online and its free.
I know you hate change more than we neurotypicals (NTs) do. Find out what my ideas are, then use them or don't.
How did you live before you met your wife or partner?
When you lived alone, your home used to be a retreat from that chaotic world out there.
It was quiet, everything was just the way you left it. You could lie down for a nap or get into your favorite games, hobbies or collections.
How different is your lifestyle now?
Her stuff. Her things are all over the home you have now. You may feel invaded.
The noise. There's often way too much.
The demands. You want to regroup when you come home only to find she's challenged you not to. She complains if you go lie down for a nap in the bedroom or close yourself off in your office when you get home.
She may be coming home from work too and wants to tell you about her day, ask about yours and hug you. Overload!!
Time with your wife. All you hear, or used to hear is "come sit with me and cuddle," or "we need to talk," or "why don't you ever tell me how you feel?" Or "you never tell me you love me," "how come you don't spend more time with the kids?" or "how come you never hold hands with me anymore?"
You're OK with all of this, but she isn't. You hope she stops asking about these things eventually.
Tip: Most people with Asperger's I've worked with assume that silence on issues means resolution. It does not. It means she's giving up talking about it. This is not a good thing. Silence from an NT woman is never a good thing.
When she gives up on an issue verbally it means she's either trying to resolve it another way or becoming bitter. It is in your best interest to deal with issues when she's still talking about them. Not dealing will mean you will not like the results later.
You told her you loved her when you met. You haven't told her you don't love her. So what is the big problem? Is she that needy? Is she that stupid that she doesn't remember?
You tell her things that interest you, but she doesn't always seem that fascinated and you can't imagine why. Maybe she has said she doesn't want to hear about it anymore. At all. How can this be?
She wants to tell you about things that are interesting to her and it's usually about personal stuff that you don't want to discuss. She talks too much most of the time. She takes too long. You are tired of waiting for her to just shut up.
Blind Rages. You may or may not have these. I'm not talking about simple anger issues here. Rage is when your stress levels have been building, you don't have ways to diffuse the stress, and something sets you off to lose control to attack the one you think has caused a problem. So you blow like Vesuvius. It's aimed directly at someone.
These explosive anger events are not what you want. You may have noticed that the results in your body afterwards are awful. It ruins your day. The one you aimed your rage at has probably brought up her inability to deal with you at these times and mentioned limits as to how much of this she can bear.
There are some things you can do, and other things your spouse can do to limit or stop these from happening. They don't all work on everyone but they're worth considering. They're also worth trying.
Don't want to deal with this? Not looking for solutions to your rages will probably cost you your marriage, your job or worse.
Pretending to be NT and fitting in. Every human being has to fit into the culture at work; there is a hierarchy and it's important for every human being to fit in so that you work as a perceived team.
If you fit in, they usually let you stay and keep paying you. In your case it also involves pretending to be a bit like neurotypicals so that you get along and don't stick out too much.
This may not be a conscious thing with you, but there is an instinct to fit in wherever you associate with a group by choice.
While it's realistic to try to fit in, it's galling to act like people whose social habits are not those you value.
The last thing you want to do after having to deal with people all day long, especially if most of them are NTs is come home and have to deal with more people all evening long. You need a break first.
Acting as if you are neurotypical all day long wears you out. So now you come home in the evenings and weekends and even though it's your family, it's also your home. Like everyone else you want to have your home to be the sanctuary where you can be yourself.
However the needs of the family, particularly if you live with neurotypicals, can be daunting when you are at home. There can be constant conflicts regarding how you are in your natural state and how the rest of the family wants to engage you.
Trust. Big issues here. As the years have gone by, the conflicts between you cause you not to confide in her as much as you did in the beginning.
Money. Did you ever set a budget between you? Has this become a civil war between you?
The kids. You may have wanted children but their constant demands of your time interrupt and annoy you. They move your things when you've told them time after time not to.
You give them instructions once but they don't listen. You tell them many times; same result. They climb all over you at times when you have not invited them to.
Work and hobbies. You come home every night, so what's the problem?
Love. You told her in the beginning that you loved her. Why does she want you to repeat yourself all the time? Perhaps you are not sure what love is but you can't tell her that.
You look forward to seeing her when you come home. You seek her out at some point in the evening and want to talk a little.
When you go on vacations, she's the one you want to go with. If there is good news or bad, she's the one you tell first. You want her to be healthy and happy. So why aren't things going as well as you thought they would be?
Sex. You ask her to have sex, but her responses to you don't seem like what you expected. You both want sex with each other, you know it could be better but are out of ideas on how to make that happen.
Perhaps she's told you that you're great technically, but there's something missing. You can't understand when she tries to tell you what that is. You might not want to talk about it with her or me.
Or do you dislike touching? You had a go at sex with her and it went from good to awful.
Because of this you simply decided not to have sex with her anymore. You probably didn't mention it but just didn't approach her anymore and brushed her off when she came on to you.
You avoid hugs with her, don't greet her with a hug and kiss when you get home, and never initiate any physical affection anymore because it is unpleasant for you. You really tried. You assume this problem will just go away if you don't talk about it. (It won't)
Did she tell you she loves you but told you never to have sex with her again? Did you ever discuss options? Do you imagine this issue will just fade away over time? (It won't)
Loyalty. You come home to your wife or partner every night. You are diligent about having a job, doing good work, and you are regular in your habits.
You see some other men not doing these things and expect that your diligence and loyalty will get you a lot of brownie points. It will. But loyalty will not solve other problems.
Why is marriage so much harder than you thought?
You have been patient with her, you have explained things to her, and you have bent over backwards accommodating all the socializing that you can stand.
You've shown her respect as a person and with her career choice, you don't dominate her time and support her independence as a human being. You don't treat her like a sex object; you value her mind and her values the same as her physical attributes. You don't waste her time with idle chit-chat.
You tried to tell her what you want and don't want in your marriage but all she did is get angry.
You don't feel you can give any more than you have and wonder why bother working with me. Most neurotypicals have no idea how much living with them costs you.
On the other hand, you may think your AS/NT relationship is just fine and you are quite happy but she tells you she's not.
When did it first go wrong? Here's your big clue:
When someone with Asperger's falls in love, you get the same chemical cascade running through your entire body as NTs do.
Those chemicals made you act in a way that helped her fall in love with you too. That's because those naturally occurring chemicals that make us fall in love had influenced your behavior to act in ways that bonded you two together.
Unlike NTs, when people with Asperger's get married, the day after, or very soon after, your falling in love chemistry shuts down almost completely. You still love her and want to be with her, but the mushy stuff is gone. Just. Like. That.
With us NTs, the fall-off of these sensations of "being in love" gradually fade away over months and sometimes after a few years to basic love. With NTs there is a strong tendency for a wee bit of those "being in love" chemicals to stay with us forever like embers in the fireplace. To put it another way, those special loving feelings are like a tide that washes in and out.
The emotions of being aware that we love our partner wash over us NTs, often moments during each day, several times a week, and sometimes for weeks at a time. If the marriage is nurtured, these loving, warm feelings that want to be expressed can last a lifetime. Not at the peak level as when you dated, but at a nice, lingering level.
Since Aspies' chemistry plunges back to your baseline literally from one day to the next, this creates a problem for the one you married. This doesn't make it your fault; I'm just saying that its an issue that affects you both.
Here's the reason why. Your spouse dated, got engaged to and married the version of you that was awash in bonding chemistry.
However overnight, she is abruptly met with a much more distant version of you that she's never seen before; the you that existed before you met her. Now she's living with what she perceives is that distant version of you every day of her life thereafter.
Sometimes you may have sparks of those loving feelings but never bother to tell her. You just stand there staring at her with warm eyes and a glowing heart, but you never say a word. You're starving her to death.
She doesn't seem to know you still love her because she can't read your mind if you don't give your love to her.
She can't receive what she isn't given. She can't receive what she can't feel. How is she to know if you don't say or if you don't connect the loving things you do by telling her you thought about her needs?
Worse, when she's feeling like being emotionally close to you, unless you're already in the mood you are most likely to shove her away. You are usually only going to share any affections towards her if you already feel it, not when she initiates it.
If she initiates it, you will mostly likely reject her. Eventually she gives up if this goes on too long. Then she has to struggle with bitterness, frustration and anger.
That's why she's flips out sometimes. She's wondering "where did the man I married go?" She's also wondering, "what did I do wrong?"
You may ask, "What am I supposed to do now?"
There is a multi-disciplinary buffet of things you can do now as well as later. The reason for doing any of them is to assist you to be more comfortable inside your own body, and to be able to have a better marriage.
I will tailor all of my suggestions to you as an individual, your lifestyle, budget and personal needs.
It is important to be true to your own authentic self as someone who has Asperger's, and if you have it, Alexithymia too. We will clarify what your basic requirements and expectations are of your wife or partner.
Then we will find out what her needs are and how you can accommodate each other with the best results and least amount of damage possible.
The goal is to find better systems of relating so that you can both have the basics of what you need while protecting your neurological boundaries.
Sometimes you will discover that the accommodations required are not possible for each person's well-being and we can discuss various alternative living arrangements that may ease many of your issues. We can also discuss what might be involved in a mutually satisfactory divorce.
Write or call me to schedule a free 20-minute discussion to see how we could work together.
Come home to yourself~~~
