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I've  been married to an Aspie for over 20 years, so I've walked the path  you're walking right now.  It's given me first-hand experience that you  can't replace. 

​​​​​​​​​​​​In  the early 2000s I figured out my husband was on the Autism spectrum  which has been confirmed and later on came to realize he is on the  Alexithymia spectrum as well.  

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​For years I moderated several online international forums for women who were in a relationship with someone with Asperger's.

I  had forum contact with many hundreds of women in  Neurotypical/Asperger's (NT/AS) relationships over that period, and read  backlogs of thousands of posts to track their progress as long as they  stayed engaged. 

Many  sought my attentions privately and at their request I began speaking  with them on the phone.  My private coaching process started with this.   

​I  began to notice patterns while observing people's progress on the forum  and through my own coaching practice.  I noted their quality of life as  they reported it to me as well as their emotional state when they first  sought help. 

Except  for the few women who came into the forums wanting just a few  explanations or ideas, all the rest of us were sorting out each other's  lives along with our own while living with On-Going Traumatic  Relationship Syndrome.  ​

I got hundreds of chances to see what helped the most, the least and what was useless. 

Feedback to  Moderators on forums from the members is immediate, raw, sometimes  harsh, sometimes loving and always useful.  It was while working with  these women that I began to develop a process with certain solutions  that gave many of them evidence-based hope for some degree of success in  their relationships. 

​I  was moderating on the forum all day long for several years, sometimes  over 12 hours a day.  The need was so great, it was hard to sign off  with all those women needing so much help. Behavioral issues and  communication problems were the most dominant subjects that we developed  solutions for.

When  I realized the need was on avalanche proportions I felt I was not doing  enough to help.  I stopped moderating the last forum so that I could go  into private consulting to coach in a focused way for each couple. 

I've  made it a point to interact with leaders in this field.  Given my  curiosity about how Autism works, many of my contacts who have made  important contributions have shared vital information with me.

​​My unique process

​​Eventually some women flew out to visit with me for hours at a time, sometimes for a week of private conversations. 

Couples  began flying out to spend time with me. That way I could observe their  manner of communication and behavior with each other over a period of   days.  That's when I developed my unique coaching process that became  such a powerful tool. 

My advisors

I  have many contacts in the neuro-science research community as well as  with psychologists who have in-depth expertise with adults on the  spectrum.  

​I make it a point to have friends and contacts with people on the spectrum.  Their feedback is always essential.  

Humor

Some of the artwork on this site is meant to be funny.  I'd rather laugh than cry or fume in anger.  How about you? 

We hold on to our strength when we can find things to laugh about in our life situations.  

When  my father was dealing with Alzheimer's, I had him in my house to take  care of him.  His doctor told me to find the funniest way possible to  tell someone else about the things my dad did when I talked about it.   The doctor said it would help me keep my sanity and it did.

I  now have some hilarious stories to tell about my beloved father's end  of life instead of just talking about how hard it is to care for someone  who is fading away.  ​

So  while we're working on your tough marriage situations, once in a while  perhaps we can find a way to tell a few of your stories in the light of  comedy.  It might help you get through your days too. 

If you have Asperger's ​

I've  gone out of my way to understand your having to deal with NTs  (neurotypicals) all day long only to come home to your partner who is  also an NT.  I speak Aspie.  I am a fairly decent translator between  Aspies and NTs too.

​I do not teach life skills to people on the spectrum.  That is a specialized profession different from what I do for couples.  

If you're a man married to a woman with Asperger's

Welcome!  Your challenges are almost the same.

All professions

My  clients have included school teachers, janitors, policemen,  psychologists, psychiatrists, housewives, CEOs, retail clerks, doctors,  professors, gardeners, a senator, a football coach, and just about any  profession you can imagine. Asperger's and Autism have nothing to do  with career path.

LGBTQ

Your issues with Asperger's and Autism are the same as the rest of us.

I work internationally

Asperger's  is a biological and psychological manifestation in human beings.  I  have enjoyed having clients from all races and religions.  When you  talk; I'll get it.  

My Point of View

Normal relationships, normal marriages ~~~ what  on earth is normal anyway?  We all used to think we knew what that  was.  Many people unconsciously assume that being neurotypical implies  that it is the gold standard normal for human beings.  

Neurotypical  simply categorizes the majority.  Most people are neurotypical, and we,  along with everyone else in humanity have designed various cultures in  which to live.  All these different cultures came about by the  creativity of the inhabitants based on what they wanted.  We can do the  same thing with your marriage.

So what is a normal marriage?  A  normal lifestyle?  In the United States culture there is an ideal held  up from the past that we all knew about as kids.  That ideal meant the  married couple owned a single family home with a white picket fence  around the front yard complete with the 2.5 children, the car out front,  and a traditional man and woman running the household. 

Part  of the package was that the family would all eat dinner together every  night at the same time and spend most evenings happily together.  Think  of all the sit-coms from the United States in the 50s and you've got  it.  Even in the healthiest families that's not quite how it worked out,  but the standard and the illusion was there.  

Most of us bought into that image and feel like failures when we fail to achieve it and all that implies.

Actually  there is great variety around the world in what constitutes a  fully-functioning family lifestyle.  Now there is a growing variety in  what constitutes a functioning and successful marriage.

Marriages  with one person, or even two on the Autism spectrum have special  challenges which is why you're here.  If you simply need a bit of  tweaking to get your partnership running more smoothly, perhaps your  family structure can stay exactly how it is.

Open your mind for the option to create success

If  you are beyond the need for just a bit of help, I suggest you open your  mind to all the creative possibilities.  This includes living  arrangements, quantity of time spent together, styles of communicating  and systems we can design for taking care of each person's expectations  as much as possible.

For example, do you really have to share a  bedroom, or would it solve a few problems if you took separate bedrooms,  or live on separate floors, or in two different homes, or live in  different states?  You can still have dates and visit each other. ​

Clients  have told me about their remarkably creative living solutions that  enable them to keep the marriage going with some of the peace and  happiness they hoped for.  Aren't we past the need to look like everyone  else's marriage? 

We all want to live the illusion of the  perfect couple's life, but when you really get to know other couples,  don't you find that there are cracks in everyone's marriage?  

Wouldn't you like to actually have a successful marriage rather than just look like it? 

Heads  up folks ~~~ sometimes the problem is coming up against our own  currently irrelevant ideals.  It's hard to let go of any of this.  But  if you want to have a more successful marriage, sometimes you have to  consider it. 

Nobody has the perfect marriage.

​Each  person comes into a relationship or marriage with their own unique  personality, their psychological baggage and their own neurological  structure.  What works for you doesn't have to look like picket fence  perfection in order to be successful.  

What  about finding the best times in the week for certain types of talks  that suit both people better than spontaneously dealing with issues?   Sometimes spontaneity with a spouse on the spectrum can blow up in your  face.  

People with Asperger's often find that more structure in  the relationship helps ease their anxiety, they know what to expect,  safe-guards can be built in for how long to talk, with signals for when  talking needs to stop until a later date.

Each  of you defines what love means to you, and designs your own successful  marriage.  Liberate yourself from outdated ideals.  Lets look for real  solutions in this 21st century. ​​​​​​​​​​​​

What's the difference between having a counselor as opposed to working with a coach

or consultant?

Therapy  often goes into analysis of emotions and examining motivations.  Therapists have the training and experience to help you figure out the  "why" of things and the impact that has on your whole life along with  other valuable practices. 

​Now and How.   As  your consultant I focus on what's going on now and how to get through  your difficulties.  I won't be talking about your mom and dad way back  when or why various psychological issues are in the way of your life  because I am not a therapist.  I'm not a psychologist either.  

While  I have university education, my degree is not in psychology.  One of my  greatest professional strengths is strategy and that's what we'll be  using during consulting sessions.  That makes me a bit of a tactical  advisor.

​There  are two good ways to look at what a coach or consultant does.  One is  that we're like a mechanic. Let's say you are one kind of car and your  husband is another kind.  You got married which means you decided to  combine your two cars together and are wondering why this fused car  doesn't run as expected.

​This  analogy could hold true for any marriage that is having difficulties,  but if one car is metric and the other is not, kind of like what we have  here with the combination of an Aspie with an NT, you've got a specific  kind of challenge.  A mechanic is going to have a solutions-based look  at this car.  

The  other way to view how I work is to imagine you and your partner are on a  tennis court and I'm the coach.  I'm going to look at how you both work  your side of the game.

Keeping in mind the tennis coach analogy,  we'll be focusing on the specific situations that arise between NTs and  Aspies in relationships.  We'll look at how to move through or defuse  the conflicts. 

We  will be much more into the dynamics of how the relationship can play  out much like a coach shows you how to stand and move when the ball is  hit certain way on the tennis court.  ​

We​'ll go over  suggestions as to what kinds of things to say, what not to say, when and  how to reach out when you are feeling emotional, when to shut down  conversations, what to say when you do, and when to leave the room.   

​Having  a consultant also involves discovering the limits of each person and  working with the best of what they've got.  You develop your own  mini-goals and end goals as we go, and I shine light on the pathways as  they appear, then we work with that.​

As  one of my favorite musicians said recently, "we're all here to  celebrate life," so let's get together to work on this mutual issue.​​

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What is it like to work with me?

If  you think of a tennis coach, you'll be on the right track.  Most of the  work we do is dynamic, demonstrative and interactive, focusing on the  play by play of your communication difficulties including verbal and  physical. 

The first thing we'll get into is how your marriage is  affecting your life as a whole.  We will deal with all aspects of that  including a lot of validation.  Remember, I'm walking the same path you  are.  

Once I find out how you've been affected and which  category you're in with the quality of your relationship, we can move on  to what you know and then get into tackling various situations.  ​​

Bear in mind, if you are the NT you might be working on your relationship alone.

People  on the spectrum might not want to participate and may not do homework.   That does not have to stop you from changing the dynamic of how you  relate, and much progress can still be made. 

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If  you have worked with a therapist before, and your Aspie considered that  person useless, he may think I am too.  Because I speak Aspie, that  might give me an edge, but we can't assume we'll all be working together  given their nature.

Please  don't expect me to "straighten him out."  I work from the premise that  each person is already doing the best they know how, because that is  most often the case.

​If you have Asperger's, bear in mind the NT will have expectations that may never be realistic.

I will deal with that.  I protect each party's interests, authenticity and boundaries. 

It  is in your best interest to make sure you let me know when you've had  enough of any part of our work together and we'll deal with that too.   No one is going to be railroaded into acting in a way that violates  their own authentic neurological structures of Asperger's or  Neurotypical.

Divorce​

​Sometimes  despite everything we try, there will be no improvement, one or both of  you is still miserable, and there's too much on-going damage to go on.​

​If  you discover you want a divorce, there are aspects to be aware of when  ​one of you has Asperger's. Divorcing someone on the spectrum is known  in the court systems as a "high-conflict" divorce. 

There  are articles you can take to your attorney that can be shared with the  opposing counsel and judge. These articles have the potential to make  the court proceedings go more equitably for all if everyone is aware of  the unique Asperger's challenges involved.  

Yo​u will not find me PC

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We  don't have time for it.  I tell it like it is, and won't dance around  the hard issues because I've been there, heard it all and know some of  the ways to dig out of many situations.  I'll speak my truth, so you can  speak yours. 

So here we are.  Would you like to work with me?  ​

Come home to yourself~~~

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