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Mind Blindness and Alexithymia. 

Both of these conditions are the source of most of the heartbreak in your marriage.  
 

Here’s  what’s going on with Mind Blindness.  Over the years you’ve shared  various parts of your life with your partner who has Asperger's, but  find that this information is scattered about in pieces in his mind. It  doesn't seem to have formed a coherent portrait of you.

He  doesn’t get the implications of all those pieces of your life.  He  hasn’t woven it into an integrated tapestry about who you are because he  can’t understand the what's behind everything you’ve shared with him. 

He  finds it difficult to imagine what you’re thinking about anything, nor  does it mean much to him if you tell him because if he can’t see it, he  can’t grasp ahold of it.  You probably matter a great deal to him, but  he can't figure out what's going on in your mind. 

And here's  what's going on with Alexithymia (ah-lex-i-theme-ee-yah).  If he has it,  and up to about 85% of people with Autism do, he has a varying degree  of not feeling emotions or a vagueness about how he feels and little or  no ability to call them by name.   

He  may have some very strong feelings and know what they are depending on  what version of this he has.  Or he may be aware of certain feelings but  only a vague to no sense about other feelings.  You also need to know  that Alexithymia also tends to contribute negatively to emotional  regulation.  It's on a spectrum too, just like Autism. 

Just like we have short-hand for Asperger's when we use the term Aspie, there is a short-hand for Alexithymia --- Alexi. 

Much  of what we attributed to Asperger's regarding the issue of their  feeling is actually due to their being Alexithymic.  We had to pry it  apart from Autism in order to address it directly.  There are simple,  fast tests for this online.  Ask me if you need to. 

Like  Asperger's most of Alexithymia is thought to be caused by environmental  toxins that trigger genetic changes.  As a result at least four areas  of the brain are altered away from typical structure and function to  some degree.  You can also get Alexithymia through trauma and it is  associated with other health issues, but we're not talking about that  kind here.

So  how far-reaching is this being Alexi?  Well, it can be mild, or  moderate to almost without emotion.  Let's see Alexithymia in action.

Have you ever asked your Aspie, "How do you feel?"

And his answer was, "I don't know."

Or how about "You look tense.  Are you anxious about something?"

"I don't know.  I'm okay I guess."   Another Alexi woman replied, "how would I know?"

Or you might have said, "I don't feel like we're connecting anymore.  Are you happy?"

"Yes, I guess so."   If pressed about that connection bit they might ask "what's connection?"

Or you might ask, "Don't you care about this?"

"No, not really."  And if pressed about that, some might say that they don't care that they don't care.

One  fellow who is an Aspie and an Alexi said that he tells his wife he  loves her but it's because he's programmed himself to do so.  He knows  he loves her as a fact but he can't feel it.  She told him she needs to  hear it and because he cares about her he parrots it out.  Another said  he never has any emotional component to sex but he likes the tension  release.  

To  whatever degree they are Alexis, they may or may not get a rush or an  appearance of body sensations  which an NT would know was an emotion.   But Alexis don't always translate those sensations, if they perceive  them into discernable emotions.  If you are a fully functioning  neurotypical (NT), you feel emotions and know how they can burst out of  you, like the feeling of love and wanting to tell somebody, or sadness  and beginning to cry.

If  someone is an Alexi, they don't feel or barely feel the emotion and  have no words for it, how can there be a follow up action to that  feeling like sharing that feeling?  Sometimes the only emotions that get  through are just a few big ones sometimes, like anger or general  elation.   

That's  why you might see your Aspies looking at you with very sparkly eyes and  a gushy look on their face, but they don't say they love you.  They may  not know that's what's passing through them at the moment because of  the Alexi component.  The Aspie part plays a role too, but together they  can create the emotional desert you might be living in as an NT. 

It  naturally follows that if they don't know or are vague about their own  feelings with few words to call them by, they are certainly not going to  understand when you have all your feelings. 

We  always expect a certain response from them based on the anticipated NT  options of possible reactions.  They can't.  They are not constructed  the same way we are.  Instead, due to our expectations and needs,  they may get angry, confused, frustrated or leave the room.  I know.   Let this sink in.  Makes sense now, doesn't it?

You  can be standing there in rapture or agony and there is a chance if they  are Alexi, they won't notice and if they do, have no idea what you're  going through and certainly no idea what to do.  And some of them won't  care. 

Before  you go feeling too sorry for them, from what I've read most of them are  stuck in a rather pleasant neutral which is fine with them.  That also  explains why they don't get why we make such a fuss over almost  anything. 

Their  condition wreaks havoc on the life of the NT who lives with them, but  they have no way of understanding that from an emotional point of view.

With Alexithymia he doesn't get the significance of who you are.

Taken together, Mind Blindness and Alexithymia are the biggies in matters of the heart.

In  terms of just Asperger's alone, your partner might know something’s  amiss in terms of his own discomfort socially but beyond that, the  problem he has with life is nebulous to him at best.  So what’s behind  Mind Blindness? 

This subject is also referred to as Theory of  Mind in case you hear that somewhere.  If you read about Theory of Mind,  it makes sense but it is also referred to as Mind Blindness and we’ll  stick with that.  Blind means you can’t see.  People with Asperger's  can’t see other people’s mental processes, or much of their own.

He doesn’t know who you are

Conversations  that you expect to have great depth and context never get anywhere most  of the time so you constantly feel like your mind is being scrambled  when you talk with him. 

​It's  one of the reasons why you keep having to explain things to him from  the ground up when you would anticipate he'd make the leap from previous  conversations.  Again, he can't.  

If you’re an NT your mind is wired to expect your life as a whole to be apparent to the one you’re a partner with.  

Without being conscious of it, you expect him to speak into the tapestry of your soul when he talks to you.

He  may remember you had a dog as a child, where you were raised, what your  major was in college, that you hate rutabagas, that you love the ocean,  but he has no idea of the entirety of who you are as you respond to  life as it unfolds.  He will also have difficulty predicting many of  your emotions and intentions.

Do you ever hear him say, "yeah, I know what you mean."

If  you speak with emotional content to someone on the spectrum you do not  get the eyes lighting up, you don’t get the same reciprocal responses.

You  don't get a facial reaction of their understanding of you, no  vocalizing that they know what you’re talking about with a "yeah, I know  what you mean," no nodding of heads nor do you get their bodies leaning  towards yours to reinforce the bonding taking place. 

You probably get the opposite with some degree of withdrawal.   You might get that Aspie stare.

It  has been discovered that in Autism, the mirror neurons are lacking and  when EEG recordings have been taken, show suppressed activity in the  regions that have them. 

Lacking some of these mirror neurons and  having defective response feeds into the lack of capability of knowing  someone else’s mental state.  They can’t see into your mirror and find  you or themselves there. 

Finding these mirror neuron defects  supports the theories that were developed regarding how Autistic people  lack response to NTs mental and emotional states. 

Neurological  research is going on at high speed and theories abound.  What is true in  one decade may work out to have different twists on it in another. 

Eventually  we will get to a more secure bottom of this, but don’t be surprised if I  have to change this page from time to time.  For now, this is what we  think we know. 

They can’t understand how their actions impact how you feel

You  may have been wondering how he can say or do things that devastate you,  then two minutes later ask if you want to have some ice cream when he  gets it out of the freezer.  ​

That's  Alexithymia in action again.  Or if he's also in full Aspie mode, he  might not offer you ice cream at all, but be in an obviously cheery mood  as he anticipates his dessert.
 

Accidental Narcissist

On  their side, if you couldn’t see, make sense or get the implications of  what someone else was saying or how they behaved, what would you focus  on? 

Would it be the people who don’t make any sense or  yourself?  You’d withdraw into yourself to sort out the parts you could  see and come to your own conclusions about what to do or say.

If  you're an Aspie, since your intellect is not affected by your disorder  wouldn’t you rely on the processing of your own mind to figure out the  world? This self-focus is the logical result of how their brains are  constructed and functions based on the unusual brain construction that  has occurred.  It’s not a secret; the root of the word autism is “aut”  meaning self.

That’s  why they’re like accidental narcissists.  They are not narcissists in  the classical sense but the results are similar with their  self-absorption, self-reference and self-focus on everything. 

What about the richness and depth of your being and your life?  Why is none of that apparent to your significant other? 

You  spend years throwing away entire chunks of your emotions and in-born  general nature in order to get along with him, and as you do, you get  erased.

Living down the rabbit hole --- what is reality anyway?

You  think he’s paddling along with you in that marriage boat, but he’s not  in your boat.  He can’t see your boat.  He’s in a parallel universe boat  next to yours. 

You’re living down the rabbit hole with him in  Aspie Land which is why it looks like he’s in that boat with you, but  actually, he’s not.

When you talk about a situation with him, if  he is confused or defensive the conversation devolves into something  that scrambles your brains while he is building towards  self-righteousness. 

That’s why you often want him to stop  talking.  You’re not in the same universe having the same conversation.   It can make you feel crazy, right?  Where’s reality? 

One of the  best quotes regarding how it feels sometimes to have a conversation  with someone with Asperger’s is from a book by one of my favorite  authors on the subject called Going over the Edge? by Kathy J.  Marshack, Ph.D.  Regarding people with Asperger’s “--- when you talk  with them sometimes, "it makes you want to shoot your brains out.” 

When  you share your life with someone day in and day out, and the years go  by you imagine you have a deeply rich context built up with your  partner.  You haven’t. 

To whatever degree they have Asperger's  and possibly Alexithymia, they can't build the context because too much  is missing and not enough is connected.

Asperger's is enough of a challenge; adding Alexithymia to it can drag you very far down the rabbit hole to parts unknown.

The  problem is, for them, if they aren’t feeling, sensing and comprehending  what you feel, in their minds you can’t be feeling whatever it is that  you are.  This is especially true if they don't even know what that  emotion is or feels like. 

They know you have thoughts and  feelings but they don’t know what they are, nor do they understand  them.   There are plenty of jokes about how men and women don’t  understand each other but it’s not the same thing. 

When you go  through life with neurotypicals (NTs), most of the time you know how the  other is feeling.  You might not understand why, but you get what  they’re going through with just a couple of clues.  Because of this you  are further bonded by that knowing.  This Aspie lack of perception and  understanding is on an entirely different level.

He can’t see who you are. The tapestry of you isn’t being woven.

That’s  why you both think you’ve communicated when you use the same words but  you haven’t.  There isn’t a tapestry like you assume there is.  Some of  your acquaintances know you better than he does.  Most of the emotional  content of your life along with its implications and depth is missing a  little bit or in its entirety. 

He may focus intently on you when  you’re dating which can be very satisfying as well as flattering.  He  can love you very much, but it’s unrealistic to imagine he understands  you with the information as he's processing it. 

The Aspie could  be having a great time with you and enjoy doing what you’re doing  together, but is to some extent emotionally blind, therefore detached in  regards to how you’re feeling.  There’s the difference. 

Do they or don’t they?

There are indignant yelling matches online and in groups regarding whether or not Aspies feel empathy for others. 

It  seems to me that empathy is a process, not just this character trait  we've pushed it to become. If that process inside your Aspie is not  functioning in all the brain aspects that empathy requires, you can't  show the words and actions expected, can you. 

I've been told  that some people with Asperger's can feel a lot of compassion for others  at times but have no idea how to express it, so they don't.

In  addition, Autism and Alexithymia are on a spectrum, so some individuals  have the capability and are able to make the effort to understand a few  things about other people to one degree or another. 

​There are  plenty of stories out there about the Aspie mate walking by painful or  dangerous situations of their loved ones with indifference or responding  with anger. 

Then there are stories like the time an Aspie  husband came up to his wife after having drawn their life savings to  hand it to her for an operation she needed.

He was in tears over  her pain and resulting disability as he handed her the check.  They had  no insurance and this move was financially drastic so his was an act of  deep kindness and caring.  He had such empathy for her suffering he took  this action and told her to get the operation. 

His compassion  for her at that moment was obvious. Reportedly, the rest of the time  during recovery after the painful surgery, he returned to oblivious and  she struggled terribly both emotionally and physically as a result.

These  overtly empathetic and rescue stories are not the predominant stories  but they remind us we're dealing with complex and still mysterious  syndromes.

What we've covered here should make it easier to  understand why each Aspie is so different from the next, and why every  NT/AS couple is too.  We have to look at everything to see what the  potential is for you to have a better relationship.

​​​​​​Language is just a string of symbols

Words  are not the real thing.  The word "window" is not, in fact an actual  window but is a symbol for it.  Add this reality to a communication  disorder and you get a complication that can be drastic.  Now imagine  how they feel when you use metaphor, idioms, slang, casual references, careless comments or especially anything with emotional content. 

​​​​​

Hey  that's how we speak in our daily life isn't it?  If you're dropping a  comment on the run, if you're tired, very relaxed, emotional or anxious,  your communication will get more casual, graphic and maybe even a kind  of short-hand reserved for people you know well. 

Yeah, that never works with Aspies.  

From  what I can understand of Autistic minds, most of their way of thinking  is not as comfortable in the symbolic world of language as NTs are.  NTs  don’t think about language structure very much. 

Being  in the vast majority, we NTs created most of it, but when you back off  you realize how much of a mere gesture it is because of its symbolic  nature.  Even NTs make references to the effort of finding the right  word. 

Inadequacy of language and the mud in our brains

Autistic people receive information in a different way than NTs do and they process it differently too.  

The  inherent inadequacy of language, the vague nature of emotions along  with many Aspies’ variable lack of personal identification and  vocabulary for their own emotions makes any discussion about feelings  with them on shaky ground from the start. 

And  there we NTs are, wanting to be understood in our greater context, or  have a heart-to-heart with our loved ones once in a while.    

Aspies  with or without Alexithymia want to be understood too and have  frustrations around this.  The problem is that the emotions that get  expressed by them can be ones of frustration with us neurotypicals  because of our imperfections which their brains are constructed to find  with radar accuracy. 

One misspoken casual word and you'll hear about it!

Often it's the negative emotions that break through with them. 

I  don’t think it’s reasonable to go into a whole discussion of their  tendency to be so literal about things here but it is an added  complication that plays around the edges of why our symbolism of  language is so hard for them to understand us.  Symbols are not  literal. 

Aspies process our word symbols literally which is why  you have to be so darn precise when you talk to them or take yet  another slippery slide down the rabbit hole. 

 

Talking to walls

Having  an emotional conversation with someone on the spectrum can be like  talking to a wall.  If you’re looking for emotional reinforcement,  sometimes you might as well. 

Much of the time you’ll get a blank  look in the eyes, and if the situation is emotional enough you will  often receive a negative response to your sharing. 

He may  have no idea what you are going through and no idea what you want from  him.  If he does know, he may know it's going to cost him too much or he  may be afraid to even try because he may blow it.  Sometimes he just  doesn’t want to know because he's getting upset and can't handle any  more.  

He is uncomfortable with this kind of interaction and  sometimes wants to shut it down by the means that appeal to him at the  moment.  He may put you down, he may read his mail, he may look  threatening, he may go get a drink, he may abruptly change the subject,  stalk out of the room or he may just stare at you. 

Instead of  Mind Blindness he may be dealing with a sensory processing overload  (SPD, Sensory Processing Disorder) which makes him incapable of helping  you because your situation has triggered an emotional tornado for him.   He is receiving so much input from you that his brain can't handle it  properly so it turns into chaos. At that point he may lash out or just  shut down on you.  

That's because maybe none of the information  you're telling him with your voice and body language or that he's taking  in with his own eyes can get through all the channels of his brain to  the appropriate destination in order to be able to step in and take care  of you. 

​Either way, you're still not getting help

Whether  it's because of Mind Blindness, Sensory Processing Disorder or  Alexithymia, you're going to get similar results which means you are  probably not going to get any emotional assistance when you're in  trouble and may not get any functional assistance later because of the  same reasons.

Life  is a roller-coaster and if you’re living with someone you think is  sharing the same life with you, but who gives you no sense that they’re  in the boat with you, rowing in the same direction over the same waters,  you begin to feel a little crazy.   

​You're sending out signals and either get no response or a negative one.

You  question yourself.  You wonder if you’re making too much of things,  being too weak to not handle this yourself, or you know something is  dangerous or wonderful but he doesn’t react in any of the ways you may  expect. 

Instead he acts like doesn’t care, doesn’t believe you,  lets you know he thinks you‘re being ridiculous, weak, stupid, ignorant  and certainly irritating.  He doesn’t want to hear about it.  Over and  over, day after day, year after year. 

All this creates the  On-Going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome along with the feeling you’re  being erased and becoming invisible. 

This is what breaks your heart, erases you and numbs your mind

This  syndrome used to be called The Cassandra Deprivation Disorder or The  Cassandra Syndrome.  The name comes from Greek mythology.  It refers to a  woman who would come to know future events but no one would believe  her. 

The stress of knowing what she knew and not having anyone take her seriously eventually led her to go mad.

Another author you might want to get familiar with is Maxine Aston. Her books and website are also well worth your time. 

As she outlines it, having Cassandra can lead to

• sleep problems,
  
• lethargy,
  
• overeating,
  
• depression​
• social problems,
  
• anxiety,
  
• loss of sex drive and
  
• mood changes.

I would add the potential for turning to alcohol or substance abuse along with other addictions. 

Aspergated Lives

There's  always the disquieting tendency to take on the mantle of Asperger's in  your demeanor in an instinctive desire not to upset your resident Aspie  with your natural NT tendencies. When you shut down and throw away large  parts of your being that makes you an NT, you start to seem like them.   It's detrimental to your health and you know it. 

See, there are reasons for the ways you’re feeling.  

Here’s the kicker

Not  only can they not read you for the most part, now that I've explained  it, you an see that they seem almost incapable of seeing their own state  of being too.  How are you going to do the dance of marriage and the  dance of making love with a partner like this? 

Well it all  depends.  It depends on where he is on the spectrum, his personality,  your personality, your needs, his needs, your patience, his courage and  humility, his willingness to deal with Asperger’s, your toughness and  resilience.  

It  also depends on his ability to keep his mind open enough to comprehend  that there might be a problem here and that he could step up to some  responsibility. 

That’s the tricky part.  If someone doesn’t perceive it, or doesn’t  believe it when they’re told, or doesn't care if they are told, they let  themselves off the hook which is where many of the people I’ve met on  the spectrum hang out. It varies like crazy though.  Some care a lot and  can work things out. You never know.

If you add in Alexithymia it makes it very hard for them to even care  to some extent, because they mostly feel okay and if we NTs are upset,  it's our problem.

When I mention corrective behavior  possibilities to people on the spectrum like apologizing to their mates  when told they’ve hurt them, or using notes to remind them of errands, a  frequent reply is “I don’t have a problem with that.” 

Exactly.   The one on the spectrum didn’t.  But the partner did.  So….there isn’t a  problem.  Uh, sure.  You can see that leads directly back down that  eternal rabbit hole. We have ways of attempting to deal with this, but  it's hard to predict the results. 

What are the results for the mate living with them?

When  you realize how much the one on the spectrum can't see you, it forces  you to forgive too much.  I know how stunned you are when they can't  read you, therefore they can't see you. 

I  know the shock and pain you suffer when they make such caustic remarks  to you when you are carrying the whole family on your back because you  are the default family manager.  You know instinctively there should be a  partnership and you are well aware there isn't.

"Oops, I didn’t see you standing there"

If  a car runs over you repeatedly by design, it’s considered an outrage.  If a car runs over you repeatedly because the person is blind and cannot  perceive the body lying in the road that he’s running over, what is  that considered?  And what of the person lying on the ground being run  over repeatedly? 

Is the damage to the one being run over the same whether it is intended or not? To the one being damaged it makes no difference what the intent or perceptions were because you have to deal with healing and trying not to get run over again. 

The  intentions are different but what society fails to separate out is that  we focus so much on the Aspie that we don’t focus on the one damaged by  results of the actions, regardless of the intent. 

When you live with someone who has Mind Blindness or with the additional Alexithymia, there is no “oops, sorry, I didn’t’ see you standing there.  I didn’t mean to run over you.” 

Instead you get the some version of “what  are you talking about!  I never ran over you.  You’re reacting to  nothing.  What’s the matter with you?  You’re too sensitive.  I don’t  know what all the uproar is about.  I’m going to my office. You can just  stay there and be upset if you want!” 

To all the NTs living with Aspies, hello there. I can see you.  You are not invisible to me. 

Resistance is not futile; it dominates

When people on the spectrum know they are on it, they seem highly resistant to working on any part of it….drumroll…..because they can’t see it!  If they also have Alexithymia, they can't feel all of it either. 

They  can’t see us, neither can they see themselves and to some varying  extent they may or may not care. These accidental narcissists have no  idea what they do to us when we live together. 

They can’t see their own disability. 

When  NTs start flipping out over the daily grind of having to deal  with their Aspie's inexplicable behavior, they are having normal  responses to abnormal situations.  That’s why NTs' responses to some of  their behavior makes us look like lunatics, clowns and drama queens to  them. 

We NTs are stuck doing most of the work on the marriages with Aspies because we can see the disability and feel the results of it.  They can't.  

Many implications here, grumble, grumble….

Come home to yourself~~~