Me and My Aspie
You're both flying blind if you haven't had the right help ~
because the prevailing therapies in marriage counseling rarely factor in the basic conflicts of what each person needs in a relationship when one person in the couple has Asperger's.
You know as well as I do ~~~ there's nothing like actually being married, or a partner to someone with Asperger's to really understand what a relationship with them is like.
I know because I've been married to an Autistic man for over twenty years; I am a Relationship Consultant. I work with people who are looking for Asperger's couples counseling or the husband or wife whose partner has Asperger's. On occasion someone on the spectrum calls me to work on Asperger's relationship problems. Solutions can sometimes be hard to find.
I've coached hundreds of couples in relationships where one is on the Autism Spectrum and the other one isn't. These relationships are sometimes referred to as NT/AS or AS/NT relationships. My suggestions and solutions for you are based on the reality of experience, not just theory or wishful thinking.
Before I show how I can help you, it will probably give you some relief and undo confusion if I explain why you have not been getting realistic support, not many tangible suggestions and why you feel invisible to society.
Who are you to your husband? To your wife? To the society surrounding you that doesn't see your problem?When you live in a family that has one member with some version of Autism, the entire family is affected. You also know if that person is your spouse, you and your entire family are living down the rabbit hole in Aspie Land.
People who don't have a partner on the spectrum have no idea what its like. Its a challenge they can't see. Even worse, it's a challenge they can't imagine because at first glance, someone with Asperger's seems just like everyone else.
The reason you're feeling invisible to society is that when the world first became aware of the syndrome, all attention was focused on the ones that had it. Perfectly reasonable.
You know as well as I do ~~~ there's nothing like actually being married, or a partner to someone with Asperger's to really understand what a relationship with them is like.
I know because I've been married to an Autistic man for over twenty years; I am a Relationship Consultant. I work with people who are looking for Asperger's couples counseling or the husband or wife whose partner has Asperger's. On occasion someone on the spectrum calls me to work on Asperger's relationship problems. Solutions can sometimes be hard to find.
I've coached hundreds of couples in relationships where one is on the Autism Spectrum and the other one isn't. These relationships are sometimes referred to as NT/AS or AS/NT relationships. My suggestions and solutions for you are based on the reality of experience, not just theory or wishful thinking.
Before I show how I can help you, it will probably give you some relief and undo confusion if I explain why you have not been getting realistic support, not many tangible suggestions and why you feel invisible to society.
Who are you to your husband? To your wife? To the society surrounding you that doesn't see your problem?When you live in a family that has one member with some version of Autism, the entire family is affected. You also know if that person is your spouse, you and your entire family are living down the rabbit hole in Aspie Land.
People who don't have a partner on the spectrum have no idea what its like. Its a challenge they can't see. Even worse, it's a challenge they can't imagine because at first glance, someone with Asperger's seems just like everyone else.
The reason you're feeling invisible to society is that when the world first became aware of the syndrome, all attention was focused on the ones that had it. Perfectly reasonable.
When enough was known about Asperger's and Autism, parents began to realize they could fight with everything they have to help their children.
The vast majority of the focus on Autism and Asperger's is still on the children.
If you've never been to an Autism conference, you haven't seen anything like the parents of these Autistic children whose passion and sense of protection are awe-inspiring.
The predominant perspective of these parents is that these children are their little darlings who require almost everything they've got in order to launch them as successfully into life as possible. If I had a child on the spectrum, I know I would do the same.
"But I don't have a child on the spectrum. I have
a husband on the spectrum."
Precisely. That makes all the difference. It comes down to a matter of perspective as well as validation for everyone who is involved.
The perspective, needs and motivations of a wife or husband of an Autistic adult are very different from the parents of an Autistic child. Asperger's in adults has a whole new cast of participants with their own needs and responses.
Because Autistic children tend to over-imprint on their first experiences, they imprint on the relationship of being protected by parents who are like alert grizzly bears with their cub.
Most kids with Asperger's are used to having the significant others in their world fighting for them, protecting them, advocating for them, helicoptering over them and covering for them as they guide them into adulthood.
The high cost of living with an Aspie
The adult with Asperger's believes he or she is completely self-sufficient, and to some degree, they're right. However they don't realize they have an early imprint default setting developed in childhood that tells them life will have as much grace with their wife as there was with their parents.
A wife or husband is not meant to shut down their entire life to protect and look after their spouses like the parents do. We who are not on the spectrum come into an adult relationship as people who are expecting a full partnership in a relationship that grows.
Because this expected grace is not conscious to the adult Aspie, their attitudes towards their spouses can be experienced as arrogance. Aspies have no idea how much their Autism costs their wives and husbands..
There is no intent to indicate anything other than respect to those on the spectrum, but most of the wives and husbands of Aspies find they have to do a lot of looking after them.
People not on the Autism spectrum are known as neurotypicals, or NTs. Our brain wiring and resulting behavior puts us in the majority of the world's population for being the standard for "typical."
Well-meaning parents, the concerned medical community, well-intentioned teachers, government and people with Autism are setting the framework for how we view Autism today.
It is incomplete.
As it stands now, the prevailing Autism community likes to think it represents everyone involved. They see those involved as the parents and medical personnel, the specialized therapists and teachers of Autistic people and the folks on the spectrum themselves.
Oh yeah, and the neurotypical spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends of people on the spectrum. Don't forget us. Oh but they do. The neurotypical spouses are the invisible ones.
No one intended to leave us out; it's simply the way the situation developed.
Society as a whole takes their cues from these specific groups of people I listed above for guidance as to how to regard and treat people with Autism.
To be sure people with Autism deserve our respect, support, friendship and love as any other human being. I'm not suggesting otherwise.
There is a popular notion that we are to regard Autistic people as if they simply came from another country. Therefore the people with Asperger's merely have different customs and a different way of relating from a cultural point of view.
It's one way to look at it. In terms of social inclusiveness it's absolutely spot-on. However it completely disregards the fact that the subject of Autism and Asperger's is vast and cannot be reduced to how we should be inclusive with our fellow human beings. How we treat people is a social and moral issue which once addressed, needs to be seen for what it is.
This point of view pertains to how you relate to someone on the spectrum out in the general public when they're your neighbor or co-worker.
Not with your spouse.
This perspective left out the unique interactions, expectations, needs and wants of NT wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends of those on the spectrum.
We have a lot to say about it, but few are listening.
Marriage is hard enough for two neurotypical people to navigate and pull off successfully. Now add in the giant factor that Autism is a communication disorder that involves sensory issues. Marriage relies on communication!
If he can't communicate with you effectively,
if he can't read your body language,
can't read your facial expressions and tone of voice,
if he can't read the your cues which usually indicate a need for action or an attitude shift on his part,
if he is not having satisfactory sex with you because he can't read your body language and can't connect with you emotionally in bed,
If he is organizationally challenged to the point where you wonder what the heck is going on,
If he is revolted by touch except on the occasions he wants a little of it for himself,
if he can't meet your most basic emotional needs, you both have a problem. And that problem is relentless because you live together.
Why is this happening? People with Autism have:
Problems with genetic code development involving multiple brain regions
Structural and functional abnormalities of the brain, increased gray matter, decreased white matter, anatomical and functional differences in the cerebellum and limbic system
Preference for nonsocial versus social processing
disruptions in normative patterns of social neurodevelopment.
This last abbreviated list is taken from the Autism section on the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association website. For a complete reading and source cites, please see their website.
Autism doesn't always walk in the door alone. It can come along with other conditions, frequently one that is responsible for the emotional disconnect we NTs feel around them.
We thought Autism was responsible for all of this. We were wrong.
Up to 85% of the people with Autism have Alexithymia caused by altered brain construction that does not allow them to fully experience or be able to name all of their feelings. There's a lot to this, it's on a spectrum too and very important to know about.
If they have issues with their own emotions, you can see how they are going to be very much in the dark regarding many of yours. I cover this in "Accidental Narcissists."
People, this needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
Neither one of you has the brain wiring to understand how life is for the other party. Living with someone whose neurology is different than your own because of different brain construction is more than a challenge; it's mind-bending. Doesn't make them less lovable, just quite challenging at times.
NTs are an ocean of genetic and personal imperfections ourselves, and here we are in love with Aspies. How is this going to work out?
It's like asking Windows to get married to DOS. These are two different operating systems trying to understand each other and work together!
For simplicity's sake, I refer to the NT as she, and the one with Asperger's as he.
When NT's and Aspies get together in relationships we initially all fall into the trap of thinking "if the other person would just change and do it my way, things would be better." We think this is where the problem lies and where it ends. It's not.
When we NTs marry or partner with someone on the spectrum we are faced with a person who is expecting similar considerations, allowances and protection that their parents gave them growing up.
It's worse than that. We may be faced with someone who has deficits who may or may not acknowledge that, or be open to suggestions as to how to improve their lives as well as your marriage.
The relationship requirements of a Neurotypical and an Aspie can be fundamentally damaging to the other party.
The damage ranges from the trivial all the way to devastating. The NTs undergo the process of trying to survive the On-going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome, OTRS, caused by the Aspies unintentionally and constantly rattling their world.
On-going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome is caused by people who undergo constant, repetitious psychological trauma in the context of an intimate relationship. The reactions that a spouse has in a relationship like this are normal reactions to abnormal stress.
At the same time the Aspies become wounded by the daily expectations of their NT partners that overwhelm and irritate them. There is a horizon that those on the spectrum must not cross if they are to maintain their best mental health. It is not their responsibility to become like most of the rest of us: NT. It should not be your expectation that they do, either. It is their responsibility to decipher which of their actions cause harm and find ways to not do that.
Depending on the degree to which the one on the spectrum can modify his behavior to accommodate the needs of his NT partner without harming himself, and the NT has a very independent and self-sufficient lifestyle, they may actually get along quite well and enjoy each other for a lifetime.
Our in-born NT neurological structure causes us to expect our partner to learn to understand what it's like to be who we are. We expect a certain special level of emotional intimacy in a marriage, good sex for both, a consistent and relatively equal partnership. Finally NTs want a safe place to call home while building trust and bonding together.
The expectations of a healthy NT do not make us needy and are not faults; they are the result of how our brains are constructed. NTs who feel loved and appreciated have a chance to flourish in life. Again there is a horizon with us NTs that it is important that we do not cross. It is equally imperative we do not alter our behavior so much that we take on autistic traits in order not to upset our partners on the spectrum. We can find ways to be considerate and compassionate without erasing our own fundamental NT ways of being.
The marital relationship needs of NTs are in the very areas in which people on the spectrum cannot easily fulfill naturally, if at all. When two people who have different neurological construction in their brains discuss marriage issues, they may use the same words but most of the time mean partially or completely different things.
If you're an NT reading this section, I don't have to explain anything more. You know what I'm referring to. I mean no disrespect to the Autism community. Their brains are hard-wired to cause their own fundamental needs and wants too. These requirements are equally valid. The needs of a healthy Aspie must be taken into consideration with full respect so that he can flourish too.
When you attempt to decode an Aspie's actions and assume his intentions or motivations through your own neurology, you're probably going to be wrong.
That goes for both sides.
Both the Aspie and the NT come to their own conclusions about the other person and over the years build a monument of characteristics about them that end up not really representing who they are at all.What if we may be able to ease some of this? What if there are ways to make enough changes so that your relationship as a couple has a chance? What if there are some solutions and hope? What if there can be some peace? And more fun?What if you could have a life full of potential like it was before? It all starts with coming home to yourself again. How I can help you
First of all as an NT, you need to come back home to your own neurology and start to recall who you were before you met your husband. What were your dreams and passions before you met? Are they the same, or has time created new dreams for you? What do you need from life and from your partner now? After we sort this through, you need to invest in these aspects and stop expecting your partner to become an NT. The one with Asperger's needs to be clear about what he wants from life too now, remembering who he is fundamentally, and how he wants to live. Then he needs to stop expecting his wife to live just like an Aspie. At this point realistic bridges need to be built between the two of you.
Our quest is to find ways to be true to yourself, not damage the other party and to discover how to be inspired about your life again. Regardless of whether you are the one who doesn't have Asperger's or the one who does, welcome to your journey home. Asperger's relationship problems and solutionsWrite or call me for a free 20-minute discussion and let's see if we want to work together.
Contact us button
All the focus went back to the child. When enough was known about Asperger's and Autism, parents began to realize they could fight with everything they have to help their children.
The vast majority of the focus on Autism and Asperger's is still on the children.
If you've never been to an Autism conference, you haven't seen anything like the parents of these Autistic children whose passion and sense of protection are awe-inspiring.
The predominant perspective of these parents is that these children are their little darlings who require almost everything they've got in order to launch them as successfully into life as possible. If I had a child on the spectrum, I know I would do the same.
"But I don't have a child on the spectrum. I have
a husband on the spectrum."
Precisely. That makes all the difference. It comes down to a matter of perspective as well as validation for everyone who is involved.
The perspective, needs and motivations of a wife or husband of an Autistic adult are very different from the parents of an Autistic child. Asperger's in adults has a whole new cast of participants with their own needs and responses.
Because Autistic children tend to over-imprint on their first experiences, they imprint on the relationship of being protected by parents who are like alert grizzly bears with their cub.
Most kids with Asperger's are used to having the significant others in their world fighting for them, protecting them, advocating for them, helicoptering over them and covering for them as they guide them into adulthood.
The high cost of living with an Aspie
The adult with Asperger's believes he or she is completely self-sufficient, and to some degree, they're right. However they don't realize they have an early imprint default setting developed in childhood that tells them life will have as much grace with their wife as there was with their parents.
A wife or husband is not meant to shut down their entire life to protect and look after their spouses like the parents do. We who are not on the spectrum come into an adult relationship as people who are expecting a full partnership in a relationship that grows.
Because this expected grace is not conscious to the adult Aspie, their attitudes towards their spouses can be experienced as arrogance. Aspies have no idea how much their Autism costs their wives and husbands..
There is no intent to indicate anything other than respect to those on the spectrum, but most of the wives and husbands of Aspies find they have to do a lot of looking after them.
People not on the Autism spectrum are known as neurotypicals, or NTs. Our brain wiring and resulting behavior puts us in the majority of the world's population for being the standard for "typical."
Well-meaning parents, the concerned medical community, well-intentioned teachers, government and people with Autism are setting the framework for how we view Autism today.
It is incomplete.
As it stands now, the prevailing Autism community likes to think it represents everyone involved. They see those involved as the parents and medical personnel, the specialized therapists and teachers of Autistic people and the folks on the spectrum themselves.
Oh yeah, and the neurotypical spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends of people on the spectrum. Don't forget us. Oh but they do.
The neurotypical spouses are the invisible ones.
No one intended to leave us out; it's simply the way the situation developed.
Society as a whole takes their cues from these specific groups of people I listed above for guidance as to how to regard and treat people with Autism.
To be sure people with Autism deserve our respect, support, friendship and love as any other human being. I'm not suggesting otherwise.
There is a popular notion that we are to regard Autistic people as if they simply came from another country. Therefore the people with Asperger's merely have different customs and a different way of relating from a cultural point of view.
It's one way to look at it. In terms of social inclusiveness it's absolutely spot-on. However it completely disregards the fact that the subject of Autism and Asperger's is vast and cannot be reduced to how we should be inclusive with our fellow human beings. How we treat people is a social and moral issue which once addressed, needs to be seen for what it is.
This point of view pertains to how you relate to someone on the spectrum out in the general public when they're your neighbor or co-worker.
Not with your spouse.
This perspective left out the unique interactions, expectations, needs and wants of NT wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends of those on the spectrum.
We have a lot to say about it, but few are listening.
Marriage is hard enough for two neurotypical people to navigate and pull off successfully. Now add in the giant factor that Autism is a communication disorder that involves sensory issues. Marriage relies on communication!
If he can't communicate with you effectively,
- if he can't read your body language,
- can't read your facial expressions and tone of voice,
- if he can't read the your cues which usually indicate a need for action or an attitude shift on his part,
- if he is not having satisfactory sex with you because he can't read your body language and can't connect with you emotionally in bed,
- If he is organizationally challenged to the point where you wonder what the heck is going on,
- If he is revolted by touch except on the occasions he wants a little of it for himself,
- if he can't meet your most basic emotional needs, you both have a problem. And that problem is relentless because you live together.
Why is this happening? People with Autism have:
- Problems with genetic code development involving multiple brain regions
- Structural and functional abnormalities of the brain, increased gray matter, decreased white matter, anatomical and functional differences in the cerebellum and limbic system
- Preference for nonsocial versus social processing
- disruptions in normative patterns of social neurodevelopment.
This last abbreviated list is taken from the Autism section on the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association website. For a complete reading and source cites, please see their website.
Autism doesn't always walk in the door alone. It can come along with other conditions, frequently one that is responsible for the emotional disconnect we NTs feel around them.
We thought Autism was responsible for all of this. We were wrong.
Up to 85% of the people with Autism have Alexithymia caused by altered brain construction that does not allow them to fully experience or be able to name all of their feelings. There's a lot to this, it's on a spectrum too and very important to know about.
If they have issues with their own emotions, you can see how they are going to be very much in the dark regarding many of yours. I cover this in "Accidental Narcissists."
People, this needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
Neither one of you has the brain wiring to understand how life is for the other party. Living with someone whose neurology is different than your own because of different brain construction is more than a challenge; it's mind-bending. Doesn't make them less lovable, just quite challenging at times.
NTs are an ocean of genetic and personal imperfections ourselves, and here we are in love with Aspies. How is this going to work out?
It's like asking Windows to get married to DOS. These are two different operating systems trying to understand each other and work together!
For simplicity's sake, I refer to the NT as she, and the one with Asperger's as he.
When NT's and Aspies get together in relationships we initially all fall into the trap of thinking "if the other person would just change and do it my way, things would be better." We think this is where the problem lies and where it ends. It's not.
When we NTs marry or partner with someone on the spectrum we are faced with a person who is expecting similar considerations, allowances and protection that their parents gave them growing up.
It's worse than that. We may be faced with someone who has deficits who may or may not acknowledge that, or be open to suggestions as to how to improve their lives as well as your marriage.
The relationship requirements of a Neurotypical and an Aspie can be fundamentally damaging to the other party.
The damage ranges from the trivial all the way to devastating. The NTs undergo the process of trying to survive the On-going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome, OTRS, caused by the Aspies unintentionally and constantly rattling their world.
On-going Traumatic Relationship Syndrome is caused by people who undergo constant, repetitious psychological trauma in the context of an intimate relationship. The reactions that a spouse has in a relationship like this are normal reactions to abnormal stress.
At the same time the Aspies become wounded by the daily expectations of their NT partners that overwhelm and irritate them. There is a horizon that those on the spectrum must not cross if they are to maintain their best mental health. It is not their responsibility to become like most of the rest of us: NT. It should not be your expectation that they do, either. It is their responsibility to decipher which of their actions cause harm and find ways to not do that.
Depending on the degree to which the one on the spectrum can modify his behavior to accommodate the needs of his NT partner without harming himself, and the NT has a very independent and self-sufficient lifestyle, they may actually get along quite well and enjoy each other for a lifetime.
Our in-born NT neurological structure causes us to expect our partner to learn to understand what it's like to be who we are. We expect a certain special level of emotional intimacy in a marriage, good sex for both, a consistent and relatively equal partnership. Finally NTs want a safe place to call home while building trust and bonding together.
The expectations of a healthy NT do not make us needy and are not faults; they are the result of how our brains are constructed. NTs who feel loved and appreciated have a chance to flourish in life. Again there is a horizon with us NTs that it is important that we do not cross. It is equally imperative we do not alter our behavior so much that we take on autistic traits in order not to upset our partners on the spectrum. We can find ways to be considerate and compassionate without erasing our own fundamental NT ways of being.
The marital relationship needs of NTs are in the very areas in which people on the spectrum cannot easily fulfill naturally, if at all. When two people who have different neurological construction in their brains discuss marriage issues, they may use the same words but most of the time mean partially or completely different things.
If you're an NT reading this section, I don't have to explain anything more. You know what I'm referring to.
I mean no disrespect to the Autism community. Their brains are hard-wired to cause their own fundamental needs and wants too. These requirements are equally valid. The needs of a healthy Aspie must be taken into consideration with full respect so that he can flourish too.
When you attempt to decode an Aspie's actions and assume his intentions or motivations through your own neurology, you're probably going to be wrong.
That goes for both sides.
Both the Aspie and the NT come to their own conclusions about the other person and over the years build a monument of characteristics about them that end up not really representing who they are at all.
What if we may be able to ease some of this? What if there are ways to make enough changes so that your relationship as a couple has a chance? What if there are some solutions and hope? What if there can be some peace? And more fun?
What if you could have a life full of potential like it was before? It all starts with coming home to yourself again.
How I can help you
First of all as an NT, you need to come back home to your own neurology and start to recall who you were before you met your husband.
What were your dreams and passions before you met? Are they the same, or has time created new dreams for you? What do you need from life and from your partner now? After we sort this through, you need to invest in these aspects and stop expecting your partner to become an NT.
The one with Asperger's needs to be clear about what he wants from life too now, remembering who he is fundamentally, and how he wants to live. Then he needs to stop expecting his wife to live just like an Aspie.
At this point realistic bridges need to be built between the two of you.
Our quest is to find ways to be true to yourself, not damage the other party and to discover how to be inspired about your life again.
Regardless of whether you are the one who doesn't have Asperger's or the one who does, welcome to your journey home.
Asperger's relationship problems and solutions
Write or call me for a free 20-minute discussion and let's see if we want to work together.
Contact us button
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